Why our mental health has worsened during the pandemic

682 days have passed since the first lockdown in Germany. We look back with sorrow at all the damage the pandemic has caused, at all the people who have lost their lives, and at all the people who have been left with health complications.

It is rather difficult to talk about other consequences of the pandemic, as it would seem insensitive compared to those who had to suffer the loss of a loved one. Nevertheless, there is an immense impact that is neglected in the current discussions about the pandemic. Namely, it’s the discussion about our mental health. We need to have this conversation because it can have long-lasting effects on both society and us as individuals.

682 days ago, we were told to isolate, and we remain in that isolation. Even though it is for our own safety, we don't talk enough about the consequences of this isolation. As the first cases began to emerge, several countries began to close their borders, along with the schools, academic institutions, and non-essential businesses. As a result, our day-to-day lives came to a halt, but our responsibilities remained intact, with numerous businesses switching to home office. Schools and academic institutions switched to remote learning, so we were forced to adapt quickly. Throughout this rapid transition, we were incapable of developing adequate systems suitable for this isolation. I'm certain you can recall what that must have felt like. One day you were going to work or university, grabbing lunch with friends, and going out for the evening, and then the next day you were lying in your bed trying to stay awake for your 8 o'clock conference, working through the workload all by yourself.

I speak from experience: I graduated from high school during the pandemic, which meant I went to school one day not knowing it would be my last. Initially, it felt like a relief because now I didn't have to get up so early, I could save myself the commute to school, and I could turn off my camera and sound at any given time, but this brought complications that didn't become apparent until I got to university. Although remote work or study is a necessity, it’s not a long-term solution.

1. Why remote work or study endangers our mental well-being

Academic institutions as well as plenty of offices rely heavily on social interactions. They are not just a setting where we learn or work, they are primarily a place where we interact with others. We learn how to engage with one another, how to work in a group, and how to establish meaningful relationships.

Having moved to another city to study, I know from personal experience how difficult it is to make new friends during the pandemic. Getting to know new people, let alone reaching out to them, is much more difficult. Although we relied on technology to connect us, the pandemic has proven that technology cannot substitute real human interaction.

Did you rather attend meetings, lectures or conferences in person or online?

For me, it's in person, particularly when it comes to lectures and studying as a whole. It's certainly not because anything has changed in terms of content, but rather because there's a completely different atmosphere in a room than there is in the same “room” over Zoom. What a lot of people are not taking into consideration is the anxiety that is connected with having for instance your camera on or speaking over zoom. As a result, you are less likely to engage, you also feel a certain type of discomfit. This has a lot to do with the lack of human interaction. You are not able to pick up one the general atmosphere, which doesn’t allow you to feel comfortable. This goes beyond the conferences on Zoom; we do our tasks or studies mostly alone, there is nobody we can look over the shoulder for inspiration, or at least have the comfort of knowing that we are not the only one struggling.

While studying architecture, my mental health was compromised by the constant thought of not being good enough; I convinced myself that I was the only one struggling and that everyone was doing well. As a result, I suffered from insomnia, some days I hardly had an appetite, while on other days I ate even though I wasn't all that hungry. All of these are symptoms that a lot of people suffer from. However, remote learning is not the sole cause behind worsening mental health. This leads me to my second point.

2. The lack of certainty for the future

To date, no one knows how long this pandemic will last. While some of us have made peace with the idea that this is our new normal, others are hopeful that this may be the last wave and life will return to normal. This uncertainty, combined with the constant stream of news about the worsening conditions along with all the damage that has already been done, is causing severe stress on everyone's mental health. This is intensified by the current recession and the job losses that come with it. A lot of people no longer have the financial security they had before the pandemic. This leads to an increase in anxiety and could even lead to depression or substance abuse.

Several studies have found that anxiety, alcohol use, domestic violence, and child abuse have increased significantly during the course of the pandemic. It is important that we see these things in context and not as isolated incidents because all of this points to a systemic problem. We will never be able to fix this problem if we don't even acknowledge that there is a problem in the first place.

There are, of course, several reasons why someone's mental health could have worsened, most of which have quite personal causes. But there are 3 steps you can take to improve your mental health regardless of the cause.

1. observe how your mental health has changed during the pandemic.

   • Again, you can only work on an issue once you’ve realized that there is one in the first place. Since we were forced to adapt quickly, along with the fact that the majority of us consider this a temporary condition, we didn't take the time to check in with ourselves. Determine what has changed for the worse and what has drained you mentally and physically. Only then can you attempt to eliminate the cause.

2. make your struggle known

   • When I chose this topic, I knew how difficult it would be to talk about it. The reason is that, unfortunately, there is still a tremendous stigma around mental health. Even I've noticed that when I talk about my experiences in this essay, I feel vulnerable. Yet, we need to overcome this discomfort because only by sharing our experiences or simply stating that we are struggling might encourage others to do the same. This will lead to necessary discussions about mental health in general, and the mere fact that one can share their struggles will make them feel heard.

3. become proactive

   • After you have figured out where your mental health has worsened and you have shared your experiences, you need to become proactive. You need to build support systems that will improve your mental health. Remember, even though there is a big stigma attached to mental health, you can take care of it the way you take care of your body. For example, when you have a cold, you take a day off, lie down in bed and rest so that your body can recover, and you can do the same if you have burnout. Take a few days off, and let your mind recover.

   We need to recognise that there is no substitute for human interaction, that we can build a bridge to others by making our struggle known. After all, these are not individual problems, but something we suffer from as a society, and we can do something about it starting with these three steps and going further. It doesn't matter if 682 days have passed since the first lockdown or just one day. Taking care of our mental wellbeing should be a constant priority.

This is what you should pursue in life

The most fundamental question we ask ourselves is what to pursue in our lives.

From a very young age, we are asked to decide on a professional path. We decide whether or not to go to university, in a field we consider exciting, in a field we can imagine working in, or in a field that offers us the best opportunities.

I've always been fascinated by that. We're supposed to decide which direction our lives should go without fully knowing ourselves. When you graduate from high school, you've only just begun to discover who you really are. You're miles away from even digging deep enough to find out who you are and what you truly want in life. Considering how much we change in our 20s, we ought to regret the choices we made at the time. In other words, do most people regret the choices they made in their 20s?

Well, my theory is that we each choose a path and adjust our wants and needs to fit that direction as much as possible, and those who are unable to conform according to their chosen direction usually quit and change course.

Having changed direction myself, I have been thinking about how the question of what we should pursue can be handled more appropriately.

To do this, we will conduct a thought exercise.

Imagine what you would do even if it didn't bring you money, fame, or success. Something you can't imagine life without, something that gives you so much pleasure that you continue to do it even if it doesn't provide you with money, fame, or success. You do it simply because you enjoy doing it. That is what you should pursue.

The most difficult aspect of this exercise is that usually, this something is right in front of us. We are just incapable of seeing it. Perhaps this is because we are taught to pursue things that will bring us money, fame, or success. Having done that thing solely as a passion, we are not able to see it as a career path. But shouldn't our career be something we are passionate about? So why do we go out of our way to learn something new and pressure ourselves to be passionate about it? Why don't we find a way to take what we're excited about and turn it into something that can bring us money, fame, or success?

The best part is that most people "fail" (I say that word with caution because it is subjective) in their particular field because they don't have the necessary commitment to achieve their goal. Why? Simply because they have chosen to pursue a career which they would only do if it brought them money, fame, or success. Their commitment to that pursuit is tied strictly to those the things above, so once it no longer fulfills those goals, they abandon that pursuit.

However, someone who has made their passion into a career has the devotion to persevere through those difficult times because for them it was never about money, fame, or success, it was only ever for their passion. While these things can come and go, they continue doing what they love as well as being satisfied with the decision they made in their 20s.

Optimistic hope

When you allow yourself to feel vulnerable at last, and for the first time you're genuinely happy. You begin to trust and wake up every morning with a sense of bliss. But there's this persistent anxiety about losing that peace of mind. Now that you've seen how great the other side is, you can't imagine going back.

I was used to not feeling excited, I was used to being alone, I was used to not missing anyone so intensely. However, things have changed, and now I no longer appreciate the things I used to do. That high is so grand, but the fall is way worse. To think I convinced myself that it was worth it. That life is made up of ups and downs.

And now there's a void that was once filled with love and excitement. So what now? How long will it take for me to be my old self again? How long will it take for the longing to stop? And more importantly, will I do it again? Will I sacrifice my tedious peace and quiet for a little excitement and short-term love, only to suffer twice as much afterwards when I try to return to that tedious peace and quiet? Is it worth it?

As I am living through the pain at this moment, it is quite difficult to say that it is indeed worth it. The love and delight felt like a fleeting moment, while the recovery phase feels like an endless dark tunnel with no light at the end. Perhaps I should be pursuing something that brings me joy and love with no fear of losing it. Then again, perhaps the fear of losing something is what makes it all so much better.

Look, I know what you're thinking: I don't need anyone to be truly happy, I should be perfectly content all by myself. I agree with that, but that's not the happiness I was describing. I'm describing the sort of happiness we feel when we fall in love for the first time. It brings hope that makes us truly believe that the pain afterwards is nothing in comparison to the happiness. A simple feeling that makes even the darkest days shine brightly. You start to feel at ease.

Then, when it's gone, you feel as though something is missing. You go back to your normal routine, but nothing feels normal anymore.

Here’s what I’ve learned

Without even realizing it, you will slowly readjust to your life. You will regain your enthusiasm and stop comparing every feeling to the excitement you felt during that time. You will fill that void with something else.

The worst part is that you will have to do this several times in your life. You must. Because at the end of the day, we are quite simple creatures, we want nothing but love. You see, I'm aware that love is different for everyone, and for the longest time I thought I knew what that word meant, completely unaware that the sentiment can't be described. Love cannot be defined, as anyone who has ever felt it knows. That the mere description of this feeling does not even begin to capture it. That feeling is addictive, even if it hurts us in the end, we continue to seek it. We delude ourselves that this time it will be different or that the love will be worth it. And even in my current pain, I find that optimistic hope to be quite magnificent. After all, I know I'll keep seeking love and that I'll be in this pain again, willingly.

How your parents' divorce has affected you

Numerous studies have shown that divorce and parental separation are linked to a series of negative consequences for children and adolescents. According to Jennifer E. Lansford, a psychologist at Duke University, "children and adolescents who witness their parents' divorce have higher rates of depression, lower self-esteem, and emotional distress". Additionally, parental separation is commonly associated with academic difficulties, such as lower grades and dropping out of school, as well as increased troublesome behavior, for example, opposing authority figures, fighting, stealing, and alcohol and drug abuse. According to a 1998 report by psychologists in the American Sociological Review "Children of divorce are at higher risk for poverty, school failure, early and risky sexual activity, earlier marriage, and divorce." Therefore, understanding the extent of these issues and the underlying mechanisms by which divorce affects these behaviors, has significant social consequences.

By contrast, nearly three decades of research on the effects of family structure on children's health and well-being indicate that children who live with their married biological parents consistently have better physical, emotional, and academic well-being.

For some children, the separation of their parents is not the hardest part. Rather, it is the accompanying stressors that make divorce the most difficult. Among the additional burdens that make divorce challenging are changing schools, moving to a new home as well as living with a single parent.

Furthermore, financial hardship is not unusual after a divorce. Often families are forced to move into smaller flats or change neighborhoods, often with fewer material resources.

Parental divorce is associated with negative effects, especially in earlier life transitions. "The age of a child can play an important role in divorce. Research suggests that older children are more likely to suffer from their parent's divorce, but younger children suffer more in most cases," says Wanda M. Williams-Owens, a psychologist at the City University of New York.

The Institute of Education at University College London conducted a study examining the emotional impact of separation on 6245 children aged 3 to 14. According to the study, children who witnessed the separation of their parents between the ages of 7 and 14 are 16% more likely to develop behavioural and emotional problems such as anxiety and depression than children whose parents remained together. Results of the study revealed that children aged 7 years and older were the most likely to be affected, while children aged 3 to 7 years exhibited no differences in behavioral and emotional characteristics compared to children whose parents were still together. More specifically, the study discovered that 7-to 14-year-old boys were particularly affected, with an 8% increase in bad behavior and disobedience.

Naturally, each case is unique. Dr. Laura Deegan, a clinical psychologist at Deakin University, points out that, "A child may feel relieved by separation in extreme circumstances — when divorce means less arguing and less stress.“

The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry conducted a longitudinal study on "adolescent adjustment following family changes." The participants were 449 young people who had witnessed parental divorce or separation between the ages of 0 and 18. Approximately 44% of participants had encountered parental divorce during their primary school years, aged 5-11 years. About 19% had experienced it during the preschool years, ages 0-4, and about 37% during secondary school, ages 12-18. Dr. Laura Deegan highlights, "The findings from this longitudinal cohort study point to factors that may increase the likelihood that a young person will develop depressive symptoms or antisocial behavior for example increased levels of conflict between parents, decreased parental warmth, decreased parental supervision, negative emotional reactivity, and anxious personality traits, and poor social skills, following parental separation in childhood."

In general, we know very little about the consequences that parental divorce or separation has on children's well-being, therefore I consider it essential to raise awareness about these issues.

Freshers' week

The first week at university, also known as freshers' week, has now come to an end. It has already been a few days to look back on.

Due to Corona, I wasn't able to meet a lot of new people. I was studying architecture from the comfort of my home and had hardly any contact with my family and friends.

However, since I changed my major to Business Administration, I had the opportunity to attend Freshers' Week again, this time with fewer Corona restrictions as most students are vaccinated. Freshers' week is dedicated to meeting people and exploring the city, it mainly consists of parties and casual events.

Getting to know lots of new people in one week was an unfamiliar setting for me. Apparently, it's not like riding a bike, you can indeed forget how to do it. Looking back, I can't assess my behavior at the time, only how strange and awkward I felt, while interacting with people for the first time, whether it's a conversation about where they're from or why they chose their major, always felt odd; it doesn't come naturally to me how I should behave in those situations. I've always struggled when getting to know new people simply because I don't enjoy superficial exchanges. Needless to say, those are the only conversations you have with someone you've just met.

The reason I don't appreciate talking about shallow topics is that I can't be myself. Although I'm not particularly shy, it's tiring not to be able to discuss the matters that interest me as well as constantly struggling to find a new topic of conversation, regardless of whether you're genuinely interested in it. Truthfully, it seems as if I'm only talking to avoid the deafening silence that occurs between people who don't know each other that well.

There's a girl in my group, and while we were at an event yesterday, I kept suggesting that we leave, but even though she was visibly bored half the time, she didn't want to leave and even ended up staying after I left. I admire that because she isn't easily discouraged by a moment of silence or awkwardness, she knows those moments will pass and amusing moments will follow.

To me, finding interest in other people is difficult. As I was talking to people at these events, I noticed that I didn't care where they were from or why they chose that particular major, notably, I didn't feel that this interaction would hold any significance in the future, knowing that I wouldn't become close friends with the vast majority of these people.

By no means is that meant to be condescending, everyone was friendly and I had a good time, but I didn't feel as though I connected with most of them. Talking to someone you feel a bond with is entirely different than chatting with someone you don't feel a bond with. Speaking to people you feel an instant connection to feels easy, it's not mentally draining, and you could imagine doing it indefinitely. Even conversations about superficial matters lead to more engaging issues and you begin to open up.

Quite the opposite is the case after meeting someone you don't feel any bond with. It always leaves you, or at least me, with a feeling that can perhaps best be described as a disappointment. Disappointed because every time I encounter somebody new, I anticipate a connection right away, but when that's not the case, it leaves me feeling gutted. Thus, making it pointless to stay at these gatherings.

Nevertheless, I forced myself to stay as long as I could. Until everything I had to say was said and I met a handful of new people. By the time I got back home, I felt proud of myself for having learned a valuable lesson.

Here's what I learned

Stepping out of your comfort zone is never easy, and you will feel a lot of resistance. Every fiber of your body will try to return to the comfort of your old environment, but that's what you must escape from to grow.

Granted, admitting that I had to force myself to stay at a social event may sound strange at first, but that's precisely what happened: I had to force myself to remain in that setting precisely because it was out of my comfort zone. I will continue to do so.

After all, it's just a matter of practice: the more I go out and meet new people, the easier it will become. Even if the first 100 times may feel awkward, disappointing, and strange, I have to push through it. Only then will I be able to grow and expand my horizons.

My 20th Birthday

A couple of weeks ago, I turned 20 years old. Unfortunately, I was not able to celebrate my birthday at home with my friends and family as I had to make preparations for university in a different city.

As my birthday approached, I decided not to spend the day at home, but to take a trip to a neighboring city. Conveniently, Amsterdam is only two hours away from my apartment, so I looked for museums and other activities to do in Amsterdam, but couldn't quite commit to the trip. I knew my parents would suggest that I should return home rather than go to another city, but for some reason, I was drawn to the idea of traveling alone for the first time.

I have never traveled alone before mainly because I found it hard to imagine traveling alone, dining alone, or doing all sorts of activities all by myself. Nevertheless, I realized that I have never been able to fully enjoy a trip as I tend to have a rather particular idea of what a holiday should be like. I am very fond of museums and taking photos, shopping for hours, and exploring the city during a lengthy walk. It is possible to do these things with a friend or a parent, but these activities feel entirely different when you are alone with your thoughts. You have the freedom to rediscover yourself in this strange city where no one even knows your name.

Despite it being the morning of my birthday, I had still not abandoned the idea of going to Amsterdam, but I found myself hesitating. I took my time getting ready, and by the time I finally decided to make a reservation for the museum I wanted to go to (Moco Museum Amsterdam), it was already past 2 pm. I didn't let that discourage me. I was determined to celebrate my birthday especially.

On every previous birthday, I had high expectations of others to make my birthday memorable, and if they didn't live up to those expectations, I would feel a sense of disappointment. I am honestly embarrassed to admit this. However, I have always considered birthdays as the ending of a chapter, of course, I preferred it when a chapter concludes with something special. This time, it was up to me to figure out how I wanted to spend the day.

I choose a great adventure.

To be honest, it was the first time that I consciously chose happiness and joy rather than indulging in my sadness. I took the initiative and went on a trip without telling anyone. Even while I was there, I received calls from friends and relatives congratulating me and wondering how I had spent my day, and I simply told them I went out.

I had a blast at the museum and it was the brightest day in Amsterdam, the sun was shining, people were sunbathing in the park near the museum reading books, talking, listening to music surrounded by museums and libraries. Plus, there was a shopping district very close by. I arrived quite late, and by the time I left the museum, the shops had already closed. I strolled around the city until my phone died and I had to figure out the way back to my car.

As I drove back, I realized that I hadn't given any thought to who hadn't congratulated me, who was missing, and how I expected to spend the day, because I felt I didn't need anyone to make me feel content at that moment. I was so immersed in all these novel things as well as the rush of doing something I had never done before to the point that I didn't have time to feel lonely, sad, or disappointed - all the feelings I knew too well.

All this taught me a powerful lesson that I imagine the vast majority of people who are content in life have already grasped.

Here’s what I've learned

At the end of the day, you don't need anyone to make your life worth living. That there's no point in waiting for happiness, adventure, and joy to come to you because they won't until you take the initiative yourself. If you want to have a memorable day, go out and make it a memorable day yourself. You alone are responsible for your happiness.

Up to this day, no one knows that I spent my birthday in Amsterdam.

The Offing

It is said that those who don't like to read just haven't read the right book yet. I have just read the right book for me.

"The Offing" by Benjamin Meyers is a story about an adolescent named Robert Appleyard who, after finishing school, decides to explore the world before working in the coal mines, just like his father. He leaves the village of Durham and heads south, where he takes on a few jobs to survive but spends most of his time admiring nature in all its facets. By coincidence, he meets an elderly woman named Dulcie Piper. She introduces him to poetry and delicious meals. Nevertheless, Robert continues to have a longing for the offing ("the more distant part of the sea"), at the same time he is unable to leave Dulcie and the cottage, at which point he makes an interesting discovery...

The plot appears quite simple, but that's precisely what makes it so delightful. It's the concept of life and how one can do mundane things such as gardening or having dinner, whilst embracing them as beautiful and exciting moments filled with meaning.

It is a story about wanderlust, nature, and ever-lasting love. Indeed, if I didn't know better, I'd say it was written with the Romantic era at heart.

Initially, I purchased the book because the cover is the most beautiful book cover I've ever seen, minimalistic yet striking. And since one shouldn't judge a book by its cover, I didn't have particularly high expectations. It was also presented in the description as a novel about self-discovery and the great adventure before settling down as an adult. This is precisely where I am at the moment, so I figured it might be relatable to some extent.

Considering how lovely the cover is, it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that it's only half as lovely as the story hiding underneath it. From the first few pages, I had no difficulty reading several chapters at a time, something I used to have considerable difficulty with. However, the overall sense of flow made it impossible to put the book down. I don't think I have ever finished a book so quickly. As I read the last few chapters I realized that I didn't want the story to end, I wanted to be there for every conversation he had with Dulcie, every sunrise and early morning bath surrounded by tall grass. Reading the last few pages brought tears to my eyes. I don't want to give too much away, because I believe it's the little details that make this novel so wonderful.

The Offing has instilled in me a passion for the written word.

Decisions that need to be made

At a very young age, we are asked what we want to be when we grow up. For a long time, I tried to remember my answer to this question and even asked my mother if she could remember. She couldn't remember either, which I thought was a disaster at the time.

So I had to figure out the answer in my adolescent years, frantically trying to remember what my three-year-old self wanted to be.

And why? Because it makes life easier.

If you determine at a young age what path you want to pursue, you put everything in your life into achieving that goal. This saves you from constantly having to deal with the future, especially deciding on a certain direction. Something that no longer appeals to me as I continue to become more independent.

Growing up as quickly as possible is probably the wish of many children. Meanwhile, adults caution us against this desire, but without making it clear why. If you ask them why they wouldn't recommend growing up too quickly, they always cite the most trivial things they can think of, such as missing school or not being able to see your friends every day, although they know very well that these are the most bearable things about adulthood.

The insight I would have liked to have is that, as an adult, I have to start making my own decisions, not about small, insignificant things like what to eat every day, which can also be quite a challenge if you are not a very good cook yourself, but that you have to start deciding about things that are extremely important at that time, such as what to study at university or where to live, whether the person you are attracted to will be the right partner for you and so on. Since I started making all these decisions for myself, there have been numerous times where I wished someone would just make a decision for me. Either to blame someone else should I not be satisfied with the outcome, or because I realized I had to figure out who I was as a person and who I wanted to become. I felt, that only someone with an external point of view could make an objective decision about who I was and who I wanted to become. I was too biased and sentimental to make such a long-term decision.

Therefore, I pretended to make a decision by myself while doing exactly what I was told to do by people who I believed knew me better than I knew myself, and (to no surprise) I regretted it shortly after. What I regretted most was that I failed to listen to myself. That I thought I didn't have to make such a decision with my own feelings in mind, that I thought such a decision had to be objective. Of course, I had no way of knowing that, and now I could certainly blame all the adults in my life for not teaching me that, yet I am grateful for having learned a lesson that I could never have learned if I had not experienced it myself.

Here's what I learned

When you make a decision for yourself, there is no right or wrong as long as you are that one person making the decision. Every path you choose has something valuable for you in the end. Even if it turns out not to be the most appropriate course, after all, there was something in you that wanted you to learn that lesson, hence making it the right path, even if you change direction later on. At the very least, you can consider it as growth.

Although I still have difficulty making decisions, I have begun to accept the discomfort, for every decision I make nowadays, no matter how small or big, it brings me joy, because every single choice allows me to get to know myself a little better and brings me closer to the person I hope to become.