Good things rarely come easy

Alright, listen up. So, for the past few months, it's been full-time work, social events galore, and marketing madness. Part-time turned forty hour work week at the same company. On top of that, throw in a personal life dumpster fire, and let me tell you, by 5 pm I was toast. Like, scrolling mindlessly on the sofa, questioning every life choice kind of toast. Weekends? Forget it. I had to physically drag myself out the door.

But two months in, things are slowly getting better. Sure, there are still full-on Netflix binges (which, FYI, are absolutely valid). This isn't your "five easy steps to conquering stress" handbook. It's more like a "why sometimes you gotta see it through" pep talk. See, there was a moment, a big, fat moment of "should I just quit?" But then I weighed things out. Turns out, more responsibility equals more stress - shocker, right? But the core of it? I actually liked my job and the people I worked with. So, I took a weekend away from the madness, and relaxed.

Here's the thing: quitting isn't a crime. Chronic stress, however, is a one-way ticket to burnout. My point? When life throws you curveballs, at work or elsewhere, take a step back. Weigh things out. Is this a temporary hurdle or a full-on roadblock? Newsflash: good stuff rarely comes easy. Even the dream job has its rough patches

That being said, listen to your gut. If the discomfort is like a weird, clingy ex that won't leave, then maybe it's time to make a change. You got this, boo. Just remember, a little perseverance goes a long way (with a generous side of self-care, ofc).

A sketch of the future

Expectations - they're like silent storytellers, weaving narratives in our minds about how things should unfold. Yet, do they solely lead us to disappointment, or is there more to their intricate role in our lives?

During a recent discussion with some friends, a lively debate arose on the subject. One of my friends said she felt let down that a recent movie had not met her expectations. This triggered a lively exchange of opposing views, each offering their own perspective on expectations and their impact.

The common belief that they are a one-way street to disappointment was a frequent thread running through the conversation. The idea was that the excitement for a certain outcome leaves us frustrated when reality deviates from it. Even if it turns out the way we had imagined, it doesn't trigger any feelings worth mentioning because we had already anticipated this outcome. Although I found the reasoning plausible, I disagreed with this view. I argued that expectations are not mere traps of disappointment; they are, in fact, our inner compasses guiding us through life’s twists and turns. However, it is not about completely erasing them, but understanding that they are fluid. Sure, unfulfilled hopes can dishearten us. Yet, having expectations doesn’t mean we’re indifferent when they come to realisation. It is not the prediction itself, but the way in which we chain ourselves to it that shapes our emotional reaction.

Our expectations cannot predict the future. They stem from our past experiences, painting a picture of what might come next, but never dictating it. They act as a sketch rather than a complete portrait, leaving space for reality to shape the remaining details. The beauty lies in the realization that our future is not predetermined; it is flexible, adaptable and open to surprises. What if we loosened our expectations and admired the beauty of the details we cannot foresee?

It’s not about discarding them; it’s about embracing their evolution. Sometimes, life doesn’t align with our anticipated script, but that doesn’t diminish its significance or value. Free yourself from rigid ideas of the future. Embrace the uncertainty, embrace the possibility that life might offer you something beyond your imagination. Isn't the magic of life precisely in its ability to amaze us?

It's time to redefine our relationship with expectations - not as limiting barriers, but as companions on our journey through life's unpredictable trajectory.

Friendships

In our twenties, we often focus heavily on finding the right romantic partner, sometimes overlooking the incredible stability our friendships offer. It's strange because our friends are the ones who've been with us through our teenage years, the people we turn to in tough times, sharing things we might not tell anyone else.

My closest friend and I have been inseparable for about six years now. Our friendship didn’t start on a specific day; it just grew from knowing each other to becoming an integral part of each other’s lives. We met in middle school and became really close during high school. Even though we’ve been 600 kilometers apart during university, our bond only grew stronger. I've learned that all relationships, whether romantic or not, need effort to thrive.

My friend and I make it a daily habit to check in with each other, even if it's just a quick call or text. Showing interest and letting someone know you’re eager to talk can mean a lot. We take our friendship seriously by planning hangouts, even if it’s just to watch a movie. It’s our way of showing how much our friendship means to us.

If you feel any of your connections lack depth, treat them like new relationships. Show genuine interest in their lives, spend quality time together, and be caring and thoughtful, just as you'd want someone to be with you.

I’m incredibly grateful for my dearest friend. She’s been a constant support, someone I can always count on. Knowing she trusts me and shares her life with me is something I cherish deeply. (Thank you Sophie!)

Friendships, like any relationship, need attention and care. By valuing these connections, we not only honour our bonds but also enrich our lives with invaluable support.

ART EXHIBITION: A reference to transience

I’ve been to several art exhibitions, but I’d never experienced a guided tour until recently. I found the idea intriguing—a chance to delve deeper into the art beyond my own interpretations and historical context. Bringing along a friend, we arrived an hour early for the guided tour through the exhibition. To our surprise, we were allowed to walk through the exhibit beforehand. This prelude gave us a chance to reflect and discuss, forming our own interpretations before the guided tour. I'd highly recommend this approach. The guide encouraged everyone to share their thoughts and questions while providing background on the artist and the art's context.

Cornelius Völker Buchkanten, 2019

The exhibition, a collaboration between Kunstpalast Düsseldorf and the Museum MORE in Gorssel, curated by Maite van Dijk and Kay Heymer, was an immersive experience.

It was thrilling, largely due to Völker's vibrant color palettes. He focuses on everyday items often overlooked, portraying them with such detail and freshness that they offer a new perspective on the canvas. Cornelius Völker, born in 1965, studied at Kunstakademie Düsseldorf and currently lives and works there. As a professor of fine art at Kunstakademie Münster, he developed a powerful, figurative painting style characterized by realism, complex use of color, and revealing surprising facets of familiar objects.

Völker embodies the avant-garde, leaving strokes untouched, emphasizing them without further manipulation. This term, originally French, refers to art that pushes boundaries, reflecting originality and radical ideas. The exhibition showcased Völker's artistry brilliantly, offering a diverse range of paintings that highlighted his unique style. With 85 oil paintings and 50 works on paper, it provided an encompassing view of his creative phases.

Leaving the museum, I was captivated by the detailed depictions of seemingly ordinary scenes that Völker had transformed with his rich color palette and unique perspectives. Even after leaving the exhibition, you'll find yourself noticing Völker's depictions in everyday scenes.

Paintings by Cornelius Völker, Private ownership, © VG Bild-Kunst Bonn, 2023

Photos by Fatima Sami

Liability by Ella

I went to Budapest for this six-day festival – a little adventure that turned out to be a lot of fun. What made it even better was getting to see some of my favourite artists, with Lorde (or Ella, as her fans know her) being the highlight.

It's interesting how some artists' music can feel so personal, even if you've enjoyed it for years. They become a part of your life's soundtrack, but you might not think of them right away if someone asks about your favorites.

During the festival, Lorde shared a bit about what inspires her songwriting. She mentioned that it's often those little moments that spark her creativity – a fleeting look or a meaningful conversation. She introduced a song that was born from a particularly intense experience, one that left her walking around the city, eventually finding herself in a cab, shedding tears on the way home. That song's lyrics really struck me because I could relate to the emotions she was describing.

[Verse 1]
Baby really hurt me, crying in the taxi
He don't wanna know me
Says he made the big mistake of dancing in my storm
Says it was poison
So I guess I'll go home
Into the arms of the girl that I love
The only love I haven't screwed up
She's so hard to please, but she's a forest fire
I do my best to meet her demands, play at romance
We slow dance in the living room
But all that a stranger would see
Is one girl swaying alone, stroking a cheek

[Chorus]
They say, "You're a little much for me
You're a liability
You're a little much for me"
So they pull back, make other plans
I understand, I'm a liability
Get you wild, make you leave
I'm a little much for e-a-na-na-na, everyone

[Verse 2]
The truth is
I am a toy that people enjoy
Till all of the tricks don't work anymore
And then they are bored of me
I know that it's exciting, running through the night
But every perfect summer's eating me alive until you're gone
Better on my own

[Chorus]
They say, "You're a little much for me
You're a liability
You're a little much for me"
So they pull back, make other plans
I understand, I'm a liability
Get you wild, make you leave
I'm a little much for e-a-na-na-na, everyone

[Outro]
They're gonna watch me disappear into the sun
You're all gonna watch me disappear into the sun

After performing the song, Lorde shared something she had come to realize over the course of seven years. She learned that she wasn't the problem, that being true to herself was the key to real happiness. It's a sentiment that really hit home – finding contentment is about embracing who we are and becoming the best version of ourselves. Only then can we attract the right people and find genuine happiness.

And so, her message was clear – focus on being authentic and striving to become your best self.

The Journey of Self-Discovery: Unraveling Your True Identity

Finding your own identity while growing up can be a daunting and deeply personal journey. It involves questioning the beliefs and values that have shaped you and discovering who you aspire to become. Having personally experienced this transformative process, I understand the challenges of breaking away from ingrained habits and beliefs. Often, it feels like we might be betraying our past or the people who taught us those beliefs, especially when our identity is intricately linked to our family or cultural background. Nevertheless, it's crucial to remember that finding your identity is not about rejecting your past or culture but about exploring and reconciling your true self with your heritage.

Navigating the Path:
As I embarked on this expedition of self-discovery, I encountered resistance and moments of self-doubt. Distinguishing between my genuine desires and those imposed on me by external influences proved challenging. The conflict between what I truly wanted and what I had been taught to want created inner turmoil. Leaving behind my old self without feeling like I was abandoning that version of me was equally trying.

A Natural Part of Growth:
Remember, questioning your beliefs and seeking your identity is a natural part of growing up. Everyone undergoes this process in their unique way and at their own pace. It's possible that beliefs you once held dear may no longer serve your best interests or align with your aspirations for the future.

Being Patient and Kind to Yourself:
Throughout this journey, it's essential to be patient and compassionate with yourself. Allow yourself the time and space to explore your beliefs and desires without judgment or pressure. It's okay to question your beliefs and to allow them to evolve. Your self-discovery process is a personal and sacred journey.

Seeking Support:
Surround yourself with people who accept and embrace your true self. Seek out supportive individuals who can offer guidance and encouragement on your path of self-discovery. Additionally, consider keeping a journal to document your thoughts and feelings during this transformative phase. Celebrate even the smallest successes along the way and take pride in the progress you make.

Embracing the Unknown:
Ultimately, finding your identity is about understanding your true self, your core beliefs, and your aspirations. Embrace the uncertainties and allow yourself to venture into the unknown. Trust in yourself and the journey, knowing that you possess the strength and resilience to discover your authentic identity.

Discovering your true identity is an empowering and deeply personal quest. Embrace the challenges and uncertainties with courage and an open heart. Remember, embracing your true self doesn't mean turning your back on anyone; it's about being unapologetically you. Those who genuinely love you will continue to love and support you on this journey. Their love is unwavering, even as you uncover your authentic self and find happiness. So, release the worry of meeting others' expectations and start embracing the person you know you truly are.

Embracing Personal Independence

In our journey through life, it is crucial to strike a balance between sharing our lives with loved ones and maintaining our personal independence. Over the past year, I have undergone a significant transformation in becoming financially self-reliant. Moving to a different city forced me to unlearn dependency on others.

Growing up, I was accustomed to my parents, especially my mother, taking care of important matters. Even after leaving home, I often sought her guidance on crucial decisions. I mistakenly believed that the extent of my loved ones care determined their love for me. However, I came to the realization that it is not their duty to take care of me - I am an adult and responsible for my own well-being.

This realization, though easier said than done, required me to let go of certain expectations. I had to acknowledge that we all face our own struggles and burdens. It is unfair to burden others with our dependency without considering their own challenges. If we find ourselves dependent on someone, it is essential to ask whether we would willingly provide the same level of care to someone else and if it would feel burdensome.

Here is what I have learned

Having had parents or guardians who cared for us was a blessing, but that phase of life has passed. We must take charge of our own lives to the best of our abilities. Everything we seek in others can be provided by ourselves. We need to be kinder, more considerate, patient, positive, and fun toward ourselves. We are the constant in our lives, and it is our responsibility to ensure we are cared for in every possible way. Express gratitude for our accomplishments thus far. The more independence we gain, the less our emotions and well-being will rely on others. We possess all the necessary ingredients for happiness, love, and appreciation within ourselves.

Embracing personal independence is a journey of self-care, allowing us to nurture and fulfill our own needs. By cultivating a sense of self-reliance, we empower ourselves to live a more fulfilling and gratifying life.

Don’t say “everything will be fine”

Navigating the complexities of our emotions and struggles can be a challenging journey, especially when it feels like a heavy burden that we're carrying alone. At times, we reach out to our loved ones, sharing our deepest emotions, seeking comfort and support. While their intentions are genuine, there are moments when we still find ourselves longing for someone who truly understands the depths of our pain.

It's disheartening when you share your innermost thoughts and emotions, only to be met with cliché phrases and empty reassurances that everything will magically be fine. You long for someone who truly understands what you're going through, someone who can offer genuine empathy and support. It's in these moments that you question the point of opening up and sharing your struggles when it seems like no one truly hears you.

Of course, you're grateful for the efforts of your loved ones to help you. Their intentions are genuine, but deep down, you feel even worse after sharing because you still don't feel truly heard or understood. It's a painful cycle of feeling isolated and burdened, trapped in a world where your struggles are dismissed with well-intentioned but superficial phrases.

It's important to acknowledge that finding a neat and tidy resolution to these feelings is not always possible. It's a complex and deeply personal journey that varies from person to person. While I can't provide a definitive answer since I haven't fully overcome this struggle myself, I want you to know that you are not alone.

Sharing your experiences and emotions is a powerful step towards finding solace and validation. There are others out there who can relate to your feelings. Remember, your emotions are valid, your struggles should be taken seriously, and you deserve to be heard and supported. Life should be filled with excitement and joy, and it's essential to find the support and understanding that can help you regain your inner light.

In this journey, seek out compassionate individuals who truly empathize with your struggles. Consider reaching out to support groups or seeking professional guidance from therapists or counselors who specialize in the challenges you face. Together, you can explore paths to healing and find solace in knowing that you are not alone in your journey.

While the road ahead may be uncertain, never underestimate the power of finding solidarity and understanding. By sharing your story, you have already taken a courageous step towards reclaiming your sense of self and seeking the support you deserve. Remember, you are never alone, and there is hope for brighter days ahead.

For all those who are trying to support someone who is struggling:

As we navigate the delicate terrain of supporting loved ones who are struggling, it's essential to recognize that offering logical solutions or cliché phrases may not always be the most helpful approach. While it's natural to want to provide answers and alleviate their pain, sometimes what they truly need is simply to be heard and understood.

Acknowledging the emotions and experiences of those who are struggling goes beyond offering quick fixes or dismissing their feelings. It involves being present, actively listening, and validating their emotions. Letting them know that you understand the depth of their struggles can provide immense comfort and reassurance.

In our efforts to support, it's also important to remember that logical solutions don't always address the core of their emotional turmoil. While it's valuable to discuss potential next steps and options, it's equally important to allow them the space to feel their emotions fully. Validating their feelings and allowing them to express themselves without judgment creates an environment of trust and empathy.

Different individuals may have different needs when it comes to finding comfort during difficult times. Some may prefer some alone time to reflect and heal, while others may find solace in engaging in meaningful conversations. Some might benefit from getting temporarily distracted from their struggles by doing something fun or engaging in activities that bring them joy.

Communication becomes vital in this process. Sharing our preferences and needs with our loved ones can help them better understand how to support us. Likewise, asking them how they would like to be comforted if they were facing challenges can foster a reciprocal understanding and create stronger bonds of support.

In conclusion, supporting someone who is struggling requires us to go beyond clichés and logical solutions. It involves active listening, genuine empathy, and validating their emotions. Remember to be present, offer a non-judgmental space, and respect their individual needs. Together, we can create a foundation of support and understanding that allows us all to heal and grow.

The other side of the tunnel

Letting go of something that doesn't meet your standards can be incredibly difficult. It can leave you feeling empty and alone, wondering if you made the right decision. But sometimes, you have to let go of what's comfortable in order to make room for something better.

It's important to remember what we bring to the table and how much we deserve. We shouldn't be afraid to leave a situation that doesn't align with our values and goals. When we choose ourselves and leave behind what no longer serves us, we make space for something better to come into our lives.

Of course, the healing journey after letting go can still be challenging. It's natural to feel sadness, grief, and uncertainty during this time. But it's important to remember that healing is not a linear process. There will be ups and downs, and that's okay. It's okay to take the time you need to heal, and to reach out for support if you need it.

Leaving a situation that doesn't meet our standards is an act of self-love. It's choosing ourselves and our happiness over something that is holding us back. And when we make that choice, we open ourselves up to the possibility of finding something better—something that aligns with our values and brings us joy.

When you finally find something better—something that meets your standards and makes you truly happy—it's important to celebrate that achievement. Take pride in the fact that you chose yourself, and that you were brave enough to leave something behind that no longer served you.

Finally, letting go of anything that does not fulfil our expectations is a profound act of self-love. It's about acknowledging our worth and prioritising ourselves and our fulfilment over everything else. It might be a challenging path, but when we find something better, we can look back with gratitude, knowing that we were brave enough to choose ourselves.

I know I am.

Living up to your potential

„Living up to your potential“ is a concept that has been ingrained in us since childhood. It's the notion that we have the ability to achieve greatness, both in our personal lives and in our studies or future careers. However, with that potential comes the burden of expectations, which can weigh heavily on us as we navigate through life.

It's natural to have high expectations of ourselves, but that drive can quickly turn into fear if we feel we're not living up to our potential. We worry that we'll look back on our lives and realize we've wasted our talents, and that we'll never achieve the success we desire.

Managing that fear can be a challenge, but it's important to remember that success is not a linear path. It's a journey with ups and downs, and celebrating the small successes along the way is just as important as achieving the big ones. Every step forward, no matter how small, is a step in the right direction.

It's also important to recognize that failure is a natural part of the process. No one achieves success without encountering setbacks along the way. The key is to learn from those failures and use them as motivation to keep pushing forward.

Another important aspect of living up to your potential is understanding what success means to you. It's easy to get caught up in the societal expectations of what success looks like, but true success is defined by your own goals and aspirations. Take the time to reflect on what truly matters to you and focus your efforts on achieving those things.

Above all, it's important to be kind to yourself. It's easy to be our own harshest critic, but remember that you're only human. Don't let the fear of failure prevent you from pursuing your goals and dreams.

Living up to your potential is a daunting task, but it's also a rewarding one. Embrace the journey, celebrate your small successes, learn from your failures, and always strive to be the best version of yourself.

Study life balance

As I'm in the midst of my exams, I've been reminded of the anxiety and distress that comes with our academic journey, and it's often difficult for me to not be so hard with myself and to remember what's truly important in life.

However, when talking to ourselves, we have a tendency to be quite harsh and judgmental, so a good way to gain more perspective is to imagine how you would speak to a friend. So this is what I would say to a friend.

“I understand that you may be feeling overwhelmed and discouraged with your studies right now. Perhaps you've received disappointing grades, or you feel like you're not making the progress you want to make. It's easy to get caught up in the day-to-day struggles and forget what is really important.

So let me remind you: what is really important is your personal growth and development. Your studies are not just about getting good grades or passing exams; they are about expanding your mind, learning new skills, and becoming the best version of yourself.

Remember that every challenge you face in your studies is an opportunity for growth. When you encounter difficult concepts or struggle with assignments, it can be tempting to give up or become frustrated. But if you persevere and keep pushing yourself, you will emerge on the other side with a new level of understanding and mastery.

Also, remember that you are not alone in this journey. Don't be afraid to reach out for help when you need it, whether it's asking your teacher for clarification on a concept or studying with a classmate.

Finally, remember to take care of yourself. Your physical and mental health are more important than your studies, and neglecting them can have a negative impact on your academic performance as well. Make time for exercise, rest, and prioritize your mental health by seeking support if you're struggling.

So keep your head up, and remember what is really important. Your studies are just one part of your journey, and they are an important step toward achieving your goals and becoming the best version of yourself. Keep pushing yourself, keep learning, and keep growing.”

Alone but not lonely

Living in your own apartment is a major milestone in life. For many, it marks the first step towards independence and adulthood. It's a time to start fresh and build a home that truly reflects who you are.

For me, moving into my first apartment was an exciting but nerve-wracking experience. I had always lived at home, so the idea of living completely on my own was intimidating. However, as soon as I moved in, I realized the incredible sense of freedom and independence that came with it. I could decorate my space however I wanted, keep my own schedule, and spend my time as I pleased.

At first, I was worried about being alone too much. I had never spent much time by myself, and the idea of having no one to talk to or hang out with seemed daunting. But I soon realized that being alone didn't have to mean being lonely. In fact, it was a chance to learn to be comfortable in my own company and appreciate the peacefulness that came with it.

One of the biggest benefits of living alone was the opportunity to create my own routine. I could wake up when I wanted, cook my own meals, and spend my time pursuing my own interests. I found that I had much more time to focus on my hobbies and personal goals, without the distractions of other people around me. It was a chance to grow and learn more about myself.

Of course, there were challenges to living alone as well. Taking care of my own apartment and finances required more responsibility and discipline than I was used to. There were times when I felt overwhelmed or isolated, and it took some effort to stay connected with friends and family. But overall, the benefits of living alone far outweighed any difficulties.

Looking back on two years in my apartment, I realise how much I've grown and how much I've learned. I've developed a sense of independence and confidence that I didn't have before. I've learned how to be alone without feeling lonely, and how to make the most of my time and space. Moving into my own apartment was a big step, but it was also one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Being vulnerable takes courage

Keeping up a facade of perfection can be extremely challenging and stressful. It requires a lot of effort and energy to present oneself as flawless and problem-free, which can lead to feelings of isolation, loneliness, and even burnout. Moreover, this can also put a strain on your relationships, as your loved ones may sense that something is not right, but they are unable to help because you are not being honest with them.

On the other hand, being vulnerable with the right person can have many benefits for your mental health and relationships. Sharing your struggles, fears, and insecurities with someone you trust can help you feel more understood, validated, and supported. It can also help to relieve stress and emotional burdens, and strengthen the bond between you and that person. When you are vulnerable, you allow yourself to be seen for who you truly are, and this can lead to deeper, more meaningful connections with others.

However, it is important to be selective about who you choose to be vulnerable with. Not everyone is capable of providing the support and understanding that you need. Therefore, it is crucial to find someone who is trustworthy, empathetic, and non-judgmental. This could be a close friend, therapist, partner, or a family member.

Here’s what I've learned

Keeping up a perfect facade can seem like an easy way out, but being vulnerable with the right person comes with numerous benefits that you should consider. It takes courage to be honest about our struggles and vulnerabilities, but it can lead to a deeper sense of connection and understanding with those around us.

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage.” - Brene Brown

If you are interested in the beneficial effects of vulnerability I would recommend "The Power of Vulnerability" by Brene Brown.

“Love yourself first”

“Learn to love yourself first before you fall in love with someone else.”

I've heard this phrase several times, but I didn't grasp the true meaning of it until now. Particularly why it has been emphasised that this is critical before you start a relationship.

You keep thinking about them and you can't stop glancing your phone, waiting for them to text or call you. You are disappointed once you're apart, because you would love to spend every second of your day with them.

If you can relate to this kind of behaviour towards someone you are seeing, it is not a sign of being in love, nor is it something that is common at the beginning of a relationship, but it is a great indicator that you are lacking something in your own life. The new partner has brought excitement into your life, you finally feel exhilarated again. You don't want to be apart from them, because then you might lose that feeling. So far you have not felt this happiness within yourself, so you are looking for these feelings externally. Doing so is extremely dangerous because your mood becomes dependent on that person.

When we are advised to love ourselves first, people often neglect to explain why that is significant. When we first start dating, the beginning is usually filled with joy and excitement. Naturally, a lot of people cherish this excitement and want to spend more time with their potential partner. However, those who have been unhappy in their lives run the risk of trading the excitement and joy that a new partnership brings for losing themselves in it. They begin to schedule their entire life around this relationship and disregard their own priorities. It is crucial that your life is equally fulfilling with and without a partner. Your new partner should not even be able to take control of your mind and therefore your life because you have built a life that brings you pleasure and fulfilment. Your partner should not be the sole reason for your happiness, but rather contribute to it. And if that is not the case, you should consider this a great warning sign and take appropriate steps to learn to love your life and yourself.

Only when we have begun to truly love ourselves can we build meaningful relationships, because then we have established a standard by which we want to be loved. For we know what we deserve. Moreover, we realise that we would rather be alone than in bad company. The only constant is your own company. Ensure that you thoroughly enjoy that company, and if you haven't yet figured out how to do that, it's about time you start. The relationship you have with yourself is the most important relationship in your life - don't neglect to nurture it.

“Ground rules”

It's getting cold outside, which means the season of couples has begun. During this season, love is often talked about even in my circle of friends, everyone is dating or longing for someone with whom they can save some heating costs. Therefore, I thought it would be appropriate to draw up a list of principles that I would like to call the “ ground rules for love”.

1. Do not set the bar too low.

Someone will only jump as high as you set the bar for them. If you set the bar too low, you may end up understating the framework of the relationship you are trying to build. You will be disappointed and end up wishing for more. In building a relationship, you are simultaneously building a manner of interaction. Therefore, how someone treats you should always be set very high.

2. Figure out ways you feel most loved, then find the person who can give that to you.

When looking for a relationship, we are constantly looking for someone who makes us feel loved and cared for. However, we all have different love languages that we use to express our affection for someone.

There are "physical touch", “gift giving”, “spending time” and “acts of service”. It is of significance that you figure out what kind of love language makes you feel cherished and how you express love.

3. Look at the situation from a distance.

On paper, someone may seem great, but when you look at the situation from an external point of view, you get a new perspective on the situation. I would recommend, taking a step back and imagining what you would advise a friend in this situation.

Furthermore, this can also be applied when you begin to overthink matters as you start to analyse every little detail realise that you are blowing things out of proportion.

4. Communication is key.

One thing I learned the hard way is that you can't build a relationship with someone without proper communication. You have to be honest and straightforward with your partner, especially if you want to establish a long-term relationship. You are going to have arguments and disagreements, but you will only prosper if you communicate honestly and effectively.

5. If someone is looking for an easy way out, let them go.

Maintaining a healthy relationship will be difficult because nothing worthwhile comes easy. If someone is constantly making excuses and making every little flaw in your relationship a huge issue that you can't get over. Recognise that this person is not willing to fight for your relationship, that they are just looking for an excuse to leave. The relationship is destined to collapse because one of you isn't willing to fight. They will leave, so better sooner than later.

6. Be secure in yourself.

The biggest mistake you can make is looking for validation externally. No one should be able to affect your self-worth. You shouldn't feel any more desirable just because you're in a relationship, and you should never feel less worthy if you don't have one. Be confident in who you are, have your own aspirations and achievements.

7. It is more than "love".

Love can be interpreted in an infinite number of ways, but I have seen countless relationships fail even though they both were in love. However, it is simply not enough to be in love. It's about perseverance, knowing that you are building something greater and that a relationship can sustain losses and should not be taken for granted.

8. Prefer to be alone than to ask for the bare minimum.

If someone wanted to, they would. You don't have to ask for anything because if the person wanted to spend time with you, wanted to get to know you or wanted the relationship to work, they would have done the best they could to make that happen. We as humans are very stubborn when it comes to what we genuinely want in life. Thus, if someone is not even doing the bare minimum for the relationship, stop wasting your energy and time.

9. Understand that the honeymoon will be over.

The high of the first three to four months will pass and you will get accustomed to dating. Your partner will see you for who you really are and you will see them for who they really are. That is wonderful, because then you can be assured that you are being loved for who you truly are.

10 .You will find the right one.

It should go without saying, but I say it for all those who are deep down terrified that they will never find the person they are looking for. For all those who think they should settle for the next best one, because at least that's better than being alone. It isn't. You're pouring your energy and your heart into building something that won't last. Deep down, you'll feel it when you've met the right one because you'll stop wishing for more.

All these are fairly light hearted, yet we tend to forget some of the above as soon as we fall in love simply because love clouds our logical thinking, I hope this can put things into perspective in the hope that the heart breaks will be minimised during the spring season.

Party conversations

"In girl world, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it." - Mean Girls

After looking for fake snakes or anything resembling a Dalmatian for either a Medusa costume or to stage Cruella, I gave up and bought a pirate hat. Surprisingly, I liked how the pirate costume ended up looking.

I prefer house parties to clubs because you can actually meet new people and have a conversation. Conversations with strangers late at night are the interesting ones as they remind you that there are so many people outside of your own bubble.

I enjoyed the conversation with Ben the most because we had seemingly so little in common, but after five minutes we were talking about matters that only close friends talk about. Ben had recently gone through a breakup and was visiting a friend from out of town. His girlfriend, who he had been dating for a year, had decided she couldn't bear the long distance and called it quits. Although this happened only a fortnight ago, Ben appeared to have reached the stage of acceptance, the key word here being 'appeared'. I don't think he was over the relationship that quickly, especially if the reason for the break-up was, as he put it, "just down to distance". I talked to Ben as if he were a friend, even though I estimated him to be five years older than he actually was. The conversation felt comforting. I told him about my troubles and he listened attentively. We shared our truths and ended the conversation by introducing ourselves.

Not every conversation with a stranger goes like this, there are plenty of people who hold back, justifiably so. However, it is so liberating to confide in someone and get to know them while discussing meaningful topics. Whereas it can be so draining to have a conversation that consists only of small talk and meaningless topics. Therefore my appeal is to have more conversations of this kind and don't be afraid to confide in others, and make others feel they can also confide in you, you never know how much someone might need it.

Me and Ben didn't exchange phone numbers or any social media links, we just said our farewells. Hopefully, he and his girlfriend will be able to make it work.

Be alright

One day you will wake up and sense a mental transformation. Often this happens gradually, but at times where the past appears to haunt you as you suffer, this change will be evident because the pain will begin to ease. You will feel the weight lift off you, not entirely, but just enough for you to take a deep breath.

Even if you don't notice it right away, you will catch yourself laughing and enjoying yourself again, or simply no longer feel that you are grieving. Then you will know that this is the beginning of you moving on. It also signifies that you will soon be able to rejoice in the person you have become, having successfully overcome a situation that was quite challenging for you, which only made you stronger and wiser in the process. Personally, that's the part I'm most excited about, finally being able to look back and see what I've learned. As well as finally making room for something new and something better.

Naturally, there are days when I feel better, when I feel carefree, and there are days when the past catches up with me again, but at least now I have the certainty that these days will pass and better days lie ahead.

When you are in the midst of it, it is almost impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but once you have accepted the situation, if on one hand you give your feelings enough space and on the other hand you are patient with yourself, you can see the light quite clearly in front of you.

The only advice I can give to those who are still in the middle of it is the not very comforting one that time can heal the wounds of the past, you just have to have the necessary patience with yourself.

You will be alright!

How to…

There is this radical discomfort when you step out of your comfort zone. In the last few months, I have left my comfort zone far behind. I started a new job shortly after suffering two major losses in my life. I'm juggling uni, work, and personal life. However, I met more new people last semester than in the previous two semesters combined. I compelled myself to keep going, even when I longed to run back to my comfort zone. It takes a lot of willpower to focus on why it's all worth it when my mind is trying to get me to fall back into my old habits.

Here's what I've learned

Accept that you will be terrible at first

Something I often struggle with is that as a perfectionist, I tend to get discouraged when I realise I'm not getting great results. It's also why I've never been able to pursue hobbies over a long period. However, this is not sustainable, I now have to accept that it is quite impossible to achieve great results quickly. Especially when you embark on something completely new, you will very often fail before you succeed. This is amplified by the fact that our generation is conditioned to expect instant gratification, but long-term relationships and a fulfilling job will not give you instant gratification. Remember, nothing great could ever be built quickly. It is patience and effort on which these achievements are built.

Your network is your net-worth

One of the most valuable things in your life is your network. In fact, most job and housing offers are not even advertised, they are referred through your network. The people you know and the social circles you frequent, shape you in ways you can't even imagine. You should make it a habit to socialise every day. Meet new people, go to events you've never been to before, and your circle should be constantly expanding.

Say yes more often

Make a commitment to yourself that you will go to every event that crosses your path. Even if you think it might not be something that would interest you, go anyway. I've been doing this very diligently for the last three months, and believe me, not only will you meet plenty of fascinating people, but you never know if you might find something that truly intrigues you. I never thought I would be such a fan of poetry, because at school I always avoided that topic, but going to poetry slams, for example, rekindled my enthusiasm for it.

Just say yes, you never know...

Talk to strangers as if they were already friends

I know this is easier said than done, especially if you're a rather introverted person. But I think we can all agree that small talk at first is not only awkward but usually boring. My advice: skip the awkward stage and avoid the standard questions. Pay attention to one thing that is unique about a person and ask them about it. This is even easier if you are at a particular event because you can use the event as a conversation starter. Also, with people, you only exchange two to three sentences, be positive, and exude an approachable attitude. Doing so will transform your conversations with others and you will be surprised how quickly people reflect your friendliness.

Enjoy the process

It is so easy to forget to enjoy the moment, we are usually focusing on what we want to achieve and what our life will look like, that we forget that the present moment is fleeting and that we will never be this young again, that the people we are with at the moment may not be in our future lives. To think that we will look back on these moments that will be memories and that we will regret that we didn’t cherish them more.

Surround yourself with people who give you joy

I am grateful for the people in my life. Both for those who have been with me for a while and those who have made the last few months such a pleasure. People who have brought out the best in me and truly have faith in me, even while knowing my weaknesses. Every moment is worthwhile when spent with the right people. People who make you feel safe and at ease.

Strive for greater things

Never settle for the bare minimum, neither for yourself nor for those around you. Constantly strive for more, continue to improve, and be a better person than you were yesterday. Don't settle for the bare minimum in your environment either, encourage your friends and family to become better too, and recognise that you are made for greatness and deserve the same love that you give to others. Identify what area you can improve in and proactively work to improve yourself.

Make mistakes

Stop regretting every little mistake you have made. In fact, now is the time when you have the luxury of messing up, and you should take advantage of it. Do things without the fear of messing up, because you'll grow a lot more from failing than you ever will from getting it right the first time. Consider mistakes as an opportunity to do better next time. See what works for you and what doesn't, because recognising what you don't want is just as important as recognising what you do want.

Take some time off

I have filled the last three months with as many activities as possible, desperately trying to avoid being alone with my thoughts. Being alone reminded me of what was no longer there, which threw me into a downward spiral. Looking back, I can say that this was not the best decision, because it damaged my well-being. I often forgot to eat because I was rushing from uni to work and then to a social event in the evening. I often changed in the car between appointments. I would arrive home exhausted and go straight to bed, only to do it again the next day, seven days a week. It doesn't matter what you do or how many commitments you have. You must schedule time for your body and mind to recover properly. I am now feeling the effects of powering through without having time to catch my breath, I have very little energy and I see a burnout on the horizon.

At least one day a week should be free from any commitments in order to relax and reflect.

Gratitude

Having your own space, having people who care about you, being able to pay the bills, being able to cook your favourite meals, and everything you can only be grateful for. So why can't I appreciate all these things accordingly?

Let me emphasise up front that I am indeed grateful for my health, for my family, and for everything I own. Yet every now and then I catch myself wishing I could appreciate these things more appropriately. I don't want to remind myself to be grateful, I want to be in a constant state of bliss knowing that I'm crazy fortunate.

There is a lot of suffering in the world, unimaginable suffering. The things we take for granted are considered luxuries for others. Now, I have no intention of shaming anyone, just because we might have an easier, more privileged life than others doesn't imply that we can't have bad feelings, after all every human life contains varying degrees of suffering. But also, a degree of things to be grateful for.

Thus, all of us could benefit from seeing things from a different point of view by practising more gratitude, which can have an immense impact on our lives.

Here's what I've learned

Once gratitude becomes a constant companion, hardships will be regarded with a different mindset, after all, we cannot truly know love without first experiencing loneliness, faith without doubt, beauty without ugliness. It is only from the perspective of gratitude that we come to understand that these pains must be preserved within the pleasures for the latter to remain worthwhile.

Ultimately, it is all about what you make of the world. Having an inner trust that you have everything you need in life, and that you can appreciate how far you have come, you begin to sustain yourself differently, approaching every situation in life from a place of gratitude, which makes it far easier to ease feelings that are weighing you down.

We are all lost

At our core, we are all alike, striving for companionship, recognition and to be a better version of what we were yesterday. At times we are unconsciously guided by greed, lust and envy. It is something we all have in common. We tend to forget this at times.

When we feel insecure and lost, we are prone to convince ourselves that we are the only ones who feel this way, and that everyone around us knows exactly what they are doing. However, often the opposite is the case. We all feel lost and uneasy, particularly when we have just gone through a significant change. The beginning of university or starting a new job is a good example.

The reason we are inclined to feel isolated and insecure is because the new environment we are in is out of our comfort zone. As a result, our mind fills us with anxiety desperately trying to pull us back into our comfort zone. However, there is no going back, we have to embrace change in order to expand our comfort zone. In fact, it is only by stepping out of our comfort zone that we can achieve real growth.

Here's what I’ve learned

To speed up the process, you can remind yourself that even if your mind is playing tricks on you and convincing you that you are the only one who feels lost and everyone else is coping well with the change, you have to actively reassure yourself that this is not the case. I am confident that no one feels safe and at ease in times of change.

In addition, the most exhilarating part of stepping out of your comfort zone is that you can't predict what's going to happen. When I stepped out of my comfort zone, I finally understood how peaceful solitude is. Solitude was something that scared me at the beginning of University, but I came to cherish it and even seek it out frequently. There is nothing more powerful than feeling completely content with your own company.