How to…

There is this radical discomfort when you step out of your comfort zone. In the last few months, I have left my comfort zone far behind. I started a new job shortly after suffering two major losses in my life. I'm juggling uni, work, and personal life. However, I met more new people last semester than in the previous two semesters combined. I compelled myself to keep going, even when I longed to run back to my comfort zone. It takes a lot of willpower to focus on why it's all worth it when my mind is trying to get me to fall back into my old habits.

Here's what I've learned

Accept that you will be terrible at first

Something I often struggle with is that as a perfectionist, I tend to get discouraged when I realise I'm not getting great results. It's also why I've never been able to pursue hobbies over a long period. However, this is not sustainable, I now have to accept that it is quite impossible to achieve great results quickly. Especially when you embark on something completely new, you will very often fail before you succeed. This is amplified by the fact that our generation is conditioned to expect instant gratification, but long-term relationships and a fulfilling job will not give you instant gratification. Remember, nothing great could ever be built quickly. It is patience and effort on which these achievements are built.

Your network is your net-worth

One of the most valuable things in your life is your network. In fact, most job and housing offers are not even advertised, they are referred through your network. The people you know and the social circles you frequent, shape you in ways you can't even imagine. You should make it a habit to socialise every day. Meet new people, go to events you've never been to before, and your circle should be constantly expanding.

Say yes more often

Make a commitment to yourself that you will go to every event that crosses your path. Even if you think it might not be something that would interest you, go anyway. I've been doing this very diligently for the last three months, and believe me, not only will you meet plenty of fascinating people, but you never know if you might find something that truly intrigues you. I never thought I would be such a fan of poetry, because at school I always avoided that topic, but going to poetry slams, for example, rekindled my enthusiasm for it.

Just say yes, you never know...

Talk to strangers as if they were already friends

I know this is easier said than done, especially if you're a rather introverted person. But I think we can all agree that small talk at first is not only awkward but usually boring. My advice: skip the awkward stage and avoid the standard questions. Pay attention to one thing that is unique about a person and ask them about it. This is even easier if you are at a particular event because you can use the event as a conversation starter. Also, with people, you only exchange two to three sentences, be positive, and exude an approachable attitude. Doing so will transform your conversations with others and you will be surprised how quickly people reflect your friendliness.

Enjoy the process

It is so easy to forget to enjoy the moment, we are usually focusing on what we want to achieve and what our life will look like, that we forget that the present moment is fleeting and that we will never be this young again, that the people we are with at the moment may not be in our future lives. To think that we will look back on these moments that will be memories and that we will regret that we didn’t cherish them more.

Surround yourself with people who give you joy

I am grateful for the people in my life. Both for those who have been with me for a while and those who have made the last few months such a pleasure. People who have brought out the best in me and truly have faith in me, even while knowing my weaknesses. Every moment is worthwhile when spent with the right people. People who make you feel safe and at ease.

Strive for greater things

Never settle for the bare minimum, neither for yourself nor for those around you. Constantly strive for more, continue to improve, and be a better person than you were yesterday. Don't settle for the bare minimum in your environment either, encourage your friends and family to become better too, and recognise that you are made for greatness and deserve the same love that you give to others. Identify what area you can improve in and proactively work to improve yourself.

Make mistakes

Stop regretting every little mistake you have made. In fact, now is the time when you have the luxury of messing up, and you should take advantage of it. Do things without the fear of messing up, because you'll grow a lot more from failing than you ever will from getting it right the first time. Consider mistakes as an opportunity to do better next time. See what works for you and what doesn't, because recognising what you don't want is just as important as recognising what you do want.

Take some time off

I have filled the last three months with as many activities as possible, desperately trying to avoid being alone with my thoughts. Being alone reminded me of what was no longer there, which threw me into a downward spiral. Looking back, I can say that this was not the best decision, because it damaged my well-being. I often forgot to eat because I was rushing from uni to work and then to a social event in the evening. I often changed in the car between appointments. I would arrive home exhausted and go straight to bed, only to do it again the next day, seven days a week. It doesn't matter what you do or how many commitments you have. You must schedule time for your body and mind to recover properly. I am now feeling the effects of powering through without having time to catch my breath, I have very little energy and I see a burnout on the horizon.

At least one day a week should be free from any commitments in order to relax and reflect.

Gratitude

Having your own space, having people who care about you, being able to pay the bills, being able to cook your favourite meals, and everything you can only be grateful for. So why can't I appreciate all these things accordingly?

Let me emphasise up front that I am indeed grateful for my health, for my family, and for everything I own. Yet every now and then I catch myself wishing I could appreciate these things more appropriately. I don't want to remind myself to be grateful, I want to be in a constant state of bliss knowing that I'm crazy fortunate.

There is a lot of suffering in the world, unimaginable suffering. The things we take for granted are considered luxuries for others. Now, I have no intention of shaming anyone, just because we might have an easier, more privileged life than others doesn't imply that we can't have bad feelings, after all every human life contains varying degrees of suffering. But also, a degree of things to be grateful for.

Thus, all of us could benefit from seeing things from a different point of view by practising more gratitude, which can have an immense impact on our lives.

Here's what I've learned

Once gratitude becomes a constant companion, hardships will be regarded with a different mindset, after all, we cannot truly know love without first experiencing loneliness, faith without doubt, beauty without ugliness. It is only from the perspective of gratitude that we come to understand that these pains must be preserved within the pleasures for the latter to remain worthwhile.

Ultimately, it is all about what you make of the world. Having an inner trust that you have everything you need in life, and that you can appreciate how far you have come, you begin to sustain yourself differently, approaching every situation in life from a place of gratitude, which makes it far easier to ease feelings that are weighing you down.

Why our mental health has worsened during the pandemic

682 days have passed since the first lockdown in Germany. We look back with sorrow at all the damage the pandemic has caused, at all the people who have lost their lives, and at all the people who have been left with health complications.

It is rather difficult to talk about other consequences of the pandemic, as it would seem insensitive compared to those who had to suffer the loss of a loved one. Nevertheless, there is an immense impact that is neglected in the current discussions about the pandemic. Namely, it’s the discussion about our mental health. We need to have this conversation because it can have long-lasting effects on both society and us as individuals.

682 days ago, we were told to isolate, and we remain in that isolation. Even though it is for our own safety, we don't talk enough about the consequences of this isolation. As the first cases began to emerge, several countries began to close their borders, along with the schools, academic institutions, and non-essential businesses. As a result, our day-to-day lives came to a halt, but our responsibilities remained intact, with numerous businesses switching to home office. Schools and academic institutions switched to remote learning, so we were forced to adapt quickly. Throughout this rapid transition, we were incapable of developing adequate systems suitable for this isolation. I'm certain you can recall what that must have felt like. One day you were going to work or university, grabbing lunch with friends, and going out for the evening, and then the next day you were lying in your bed trying to stay awake for your 8 o'clock conference, working through the workload all by yourself.

I speak from experience: I graduated from high school during the pandemic, which meant I went to school one day not knowing it would be my last. Initially, it felt like a relief because now I didn't have to get up so early, I could save myself the commute to school, and I could turn off my camera and sound at any given time, but this brought complications that didn't become apparent until I got to university. Although remote work or study is a necessity, it’s not a long-term solution.

1. Why remote work or study endangers our mental well-being

Academic institutions as well as plenty of offices rely heavily on social interactions. They are not just a setting where we learn or work, they are primarily a place where we interact with others. We learn how to engage with one another, how to work in a group, and how to establish meaningful relationships.

Having moved to another city to study, I know from personal experience how difficult it is to make new friends during the pandemic. Getting to know new people, let alone reaching out to them, is much more difficult. Although we relied on technology to connect us, the pandemic has proven that technology cannot substitute real human interaction.

Did you rather attend meetings, lectures or conferences in person or online?

For me, it's in person, particularly when it comes to lectures and studying as a whole. It's certainly not because anything has changed in terms of content, but rather because there's a completely different atmosphere in a room than there is in the same “room” over Zoom. What a lot of people are not taking into consideration is the anxiety that is connected with having for instance your camera on or speaking over zoom. As a result, you are less likely to engage, you also feel a certain type of discomfit. This has a lot to do with the lack of human interaction. You are not able to pick up one the general atmosphere, which doesn’t allow you to feel comfortable. This goes beyond the conferences on Zoom; we do our tasks or studies mostly alone, there is nobody we can look over the shoulder for inspiration, or at least have the comfort of knowing that we are not the only one struggling.

While studying architecture, my mental health was compromised by the constant thought of not being good enough; I convinced myself that I was the only one struggling and that everyone was doing well. As a result, I suffered from insomnia, some days I hardly had an appetite, while on other days I ate even though I wasn't all that hungry. All of these are symptoms that a lot of people suffer from. However, remote learning is not the sole cause behind worsening mental health. This leads me to my second point.

2. The lack of certainty for the future

To date, no one knows how long this pandemic will last. While some of us have made peace with the idea that this is our new normal, others are hopeful that this may be the last wave and life will return to normal. This uncertainty, combined with the constant stream of news about the worsening conditions along with all the damage that has already been done, is causing severe stress on everyone's mental health. This is intensified by the current recession and the job losses that come with it. A lot of people no longer have the financial security they had before the pandemic. This leads to an increase in anxiety and could even lead to depression or substance abuse.

Several studies have found that anxiety, alcohol use, domestic violence, and child abuse have increased significantly during the course of the pandemic. It is important that we see these things in context and not as isolated incidents because all of this points to a systemic problem. We will never be able to fix this problem if we don't even acknowledge that there is a problem in the first place.

There are, of course, several reasons why someone's mental health could have worsened, most of which have quite personal causes. But there are 3 steps you can take to improve your mental health regardless of the cause.

1. observe how your mental health has changed during the pandemic.

   • Again, you can only work on an issue once you’ve realized that there is one in the first place. Since we were forced to adapt quickly, along with the fact that the majority of us consider this a temporary condition, we didn't take the time to check in with ourselves. Determine what has changed for the worse and what has drained you mentally and physically. Only then can you attempt to eliminate the cause.

2. make your struggle known

   • When I chose this topic, I knew how difficult it would be to talk about it. The reason is that, unfortunately, there is still a tremendous stigma around mental health. Even I've noticed that when I talk about my experiences in this essay, I feel vulnerable. Yet, we need to overcome this discomfort because only by sharing our experiences or simply stating that we are struggling might encourage others to do the same. This will lead to necessary discussions about mental health in general, and the mere fact that one can share their struggles will make them feel heard.

3. become proactive

   • After you have figured out where your mental health has worsened and you have shared your experiences, you need to become proactive. You need to build support systems that will improve your mental health. Remember, even though there is a big stigma attached to mental health, you can take care of it the way you take care of your body. For example, when you have a cold, you take a day off, lie down in bed and rest so that your body can recover, and you can do the same if you have burnout. Take a few days off, and let your mind recover.

   We need to recognise that there is no substitute for human interaction, that we can build a bridge to others by making our struggle known. After all, these are not individual problems, but something we suffer from as a society, and we can do something about it starting with these three steps and going further. It doesn't matter if 682 days have passed since the first lockdown or just one day. Taking care of our mental wellbeing should be a constant priority.

Decisions that need to be made

At a very young age, we are asked what we want to be when we grow up. For a long time, I tried to remember my answer to this question and even asked my mother if she could remember. She couldn't remember either, which I thought was a disaster at the time.

So I had to figure out the answer in my adolescent years, frantically trying to remember what my three-year-old self wanted to be.

And why? Because it makes life easier.

If you determine at a young age what path you want to pursue, you put everything in your life into achieving that goal. This saves you from constantly having to deal with the future, especially deciding on a certain direction. Something that no longer appeals to me as I continue to become more independent.

Growing up as quickly as possible is probably the wish of many children. Meanwhile, adults caution us against this desire, but without making it clear why. If you ask them why they wouldn't recommend growing up too quickly, they always cite the most trivial things they can think of, such as missing school or not being able to see your friends every day, although they know very well that these are the most bearable things about adulthood.

The insight I would have liked to have is that, as an adult, I have to start making my own decisions, not about small, insignificant things like what to eat every day, which can also be quite a challenge if you are not a very good cook yourself, but that you have to start deciding about things that are extremely important at that time, such as what to study at university or where to live, whether the person you are attracted to will be the right partner for you and so on. Since I started making all these decisions for myself, there have been numerous times where I wished someone would just make a decision for me. Either to blame someone else should I not be satisfied with the outcome, or because I realized I had to figure out who I was as a person and who I wanted to become. I felt, that only someone with an external point of view could make an objective decision about who I was and who I wanted to become. I was too biased and sentimental to make such a long-term decision.

Therefore, I pretended to make a decision by myself while doing exactly what I was told to do by people who I believed knew me better than I knew myself, and (to no surprise) I regretted it shortly after. What I regretted most was that I failed to listen to myself. That I thought I didn't have to make such a decision with my own feelings in mind, that I thought such a decision had to be objective. Of course, I had no way of knowing that, and now I could certainly blame all the adults in my life for not teaching me that, yet I am grateful for having learned a lesson that I could never have learned if I had not experienced it myself.

Here's what I learned

When you make a decision for yourself, there is no right or wrong as long as you are that one person making the decision. Every path you choose has something valuable for you in the end. Even if it turns out not to be the most appropriate course, after all, there was something in you that wanted you to learn that lesson, hence making it the right path, even if you change direction later on. At the very least, you can consider it as growth.

Although I still have difficulty making decisions, I have begun to accept the discomfort, for every decision I make nowadays, no matter how small or big, it brings me joy, because every single choice allows me to get to know myself a little better and brings me closer to the person I hope to become.