Embracing Personal Independence

In our journey through life, it is crucial to strike a balance between sharing our lives with loved ones and maintaining our personal independence. Over the past year, I have undergone a significant transformation in becoming financially self-reliant. Moving to a different city forced me to unlearn dependency on others.

Growing up, I was accustomed to my parents, especially my mother, taking care of important matters. Even after leaving home, I often sought her guidance on crucial decisions. I mistakenly believed that the extent of my loved ones care determined their love for me. However, I came to the realization that it is not their duty to take care of me - I am an adult and responsible for my own well-being.

This realization, though easier said than done, required me to let go of certain expectations. I had to acknowledge that we all face our own struggles and burdens. It is unfair to burden others with our dependency without considering their own challenges. If we find ourselves dependent on someone, it is essential to ask whether we would willingly provide the same level of care to someone else and if it would feel burdensome.

Here is what I have learned

Having had parents or guardians who cared for us was a blessing, but that phase of life has passed. We must take charge of our own lives to the best of our abilities. Everything we seek in others can be provided by ourselves. We need to be kinder, more considerate, patient, positive, and fun toward ourselves. We are the constant in our lives, and it is our responsibility to ensure we are cared for in every possible way. Express gratitude for our accomplishments thus far. The more independence we gain, the less our emotions and well-being will rely on others. We possess all the necessary ingredients for happiness, love, and appreciation within ourselves.

Embracing personal independence is a journey of self-care, allowing us to nurture and fulfill our own needs. By cultivating a sense of self-reliance, we empower ourselves to live a more fulfilling and gratifying life.

Being vulnerable takes courage

Keeping up a facade of perfection can be extremely challenging and stressful. It requires a lot of effort and energy to present oneself as flawless and problem-free, which can lead to feelings of isolation, loneliness, and even burnout. Moreover, this can also put a strain on your relationships, as your loved ones may sense that something is not right, but they are unable to help because you are not being honest with them.

On the other hand, being vulnerable with the right person can have many benefits for your mental health and relationships. Sharing your struggles, fears, and insecurities with someone you trust can help you feel more understood, validated, and supported. It can also help to relieve stress and emotional burdens, and strengthen the bond between you and that person. When you are vulnerable, you allow yourself to be seen for who you truly are, and this can lead to deeper, more meaningful connections with others.

However, it is important to be selective about who you choose to be vulnerable with. Not everyone is capable of providing the support and understanding that you need. Therefore, it is crucial to find someone who is trustworthy, empathetic, and non-judgmental. This could be a close friend, therapist, partner, or a family member.

Here’s what I've learned

Keeping up a perfect facade can seem like an easy way out, but being vulnerable with the right person comes with numerous benefits that you should consider. It takes courage to be honest about our struggles and vulnerabilities, but it can lead to a deeper sense of connection and understanding with those around us.

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage.” - Brene Brown

If you are interested in the beneficial effects of vulnerability I would recommend "The Power of Vulnerability" by Brene Brown.

How to…

There is this radical discomfort when you step out of your comfort zone. In the last few months, I have left my comfort zone far behind. I started a new job shortly after suffering two major losses in my life. I'm juggling uni, work, and personal life. However, I met more new people last semester than in the previous two semesters combined. I compelled myself to keep going, even when I longed to run back to my comfort zone. It takes a lot of willpower to focus on why it's all worth it when my mind is trying to get me to fall back into my old habits.

Here's what I've learned

Accept that you will be terrible at first

Something I often struggle with is that as a perfectionist, I tend to get discouraged when I realise I'm not getting great results. It's also why I've never been able to pursue hobbies over a long period. However, this is not sustainable, I now have to accept that it is quite impossible to achieve great results quickly. Especially when you embark on something completely new, you will very often fail before you succeed. This is amplified by the fact that our generation is conditioned to expect instant gratification, but long-term relationships and a fulfilling job will not give you instant gratification. Remember, nothing great could ever be built quickly. It is patience and effort on which these achievements are built.

Your network is your net-worth

One of the most valuable things in your life is your network. In fact, most job and housing offers are not even advertised, they are referred through your network. The people you know and the social circles you frequent, shape you in ways you can't even imagine. You should make it a habit to socialise every day. Meet new people, go to events you've never been to before, and your circle should be constantly expanding.

Say yes more often

Make a commitment to yourself that you will go to every event that crosses your path. Even if you think it might not be something that would interest you, go anyway. I've been doing this very diligently for the last three months, and believe me, not only will you meet plenty of fascinating people, but you never know if you might find something that truly intrigues you. I never thought I would be such a fan of poetry, because at school I always avoided that topic, but going to poetry slams, for example, rekindled my enthusiasm for it.

Just say yes, you never know...

Talk to strangers as if they were already friends

I know this is easier said than done, especially if you're a rather introverted person. But I think we can all agree that small talk at first is not only awkward but usually boring. My advice: skip the awkward stage and avoid the standard questions. Pay attention to one thing that is unique about a person and ask them about it. This is even easier if you are at a particular event because you can use the event as a conversation starter. Also, with people, you only exchange two to three sentences, be positive, and exude an approachable attitude. Doing so will transform your conversations with others and you will be surprised how quickly people reflect your friendliness.

Enjoy the process

It is so easy to forget to enjoy the moment, we are usually focusing on what we want to achieve and what our life will look like, that we forget that the present moment is fleeting and that we will never be this young again, that the people we are with at the moment may not be in our future lives. To think that we will look back on these moments that will be memories and that we will regret that we didn’t cherish them more.

Surround yourself with people who give you joy

I am grateful for the people in my life. Both for those who have been with me for a while and those who have made the last few months such a pleasure. People who have brought out the best in me and truly have faith in me, even while knowing my weaknesses. Every moment is worthwhile when spent with the right people. People who make you feel safe and at ease.

Strive for greater things

Never settle for the bare minimum, neither for yourself nor for those around you. Constantly strive for more, continue to improve, and be a better person than you were yesterday. Don't settle for the bare minimum in your environment either, encourage your friends and family to become better too, and recognise that you are made for greatness and deserve the same love that you give to others. Identify what area you can improve in and proactively work to improve yourself.

Make mistakes

Stop regretting every little mistake you have made. In fact, now is the time when you have the luxury of messing up, and you should take advantage of it. Do things without the fear of messing up, because you'll grow a lot more from failing than you ever will from getting it right the first time. Consider mistakes as an opportunity to do better next time. See what works for you and what doesn't, because recognising what you don't want is just as important as recognising what you do want.

Take some time off

I have filled the last three months with as many activities as possible, desperately trying to avoid being alone with my thoughts. Being alone reminded me of what was no longer there, which threw me into a downward spiral. Looking back, I can say that this was not the best decision, because it damaged my well-being. I often forgot to eat because I was rushing from uni to work and then to a social event in the evening. I often changed in the car between appointments. I would arrive home exhausted and go straight to bed, only to do it again the next day, seven days a week. It doesn't matter what you do or how many commitments you have. You must schedule time for your body and mind to recover properly. I am now feeling the effects of powering through without having time to catch my breath, I have very little energy and I see a burnout on the horizon.

At least one day a week should be free from any commitments in order to relax and reflect.

Gratitude

Having your own space, having people who care about you, being able to pay the bills, being able to cook your favourite meals, and everything you can only be grateful for. So why can't I appreciate all these things accordingly?

Let me emphasise up front that I am indeed grateful for my health, for my family, and for everything I own. Yet every now and then I catch myself wishing I could appreciate these things more appropriately. I don't want to remind myself to be grateful, I want to be in a constant state of bliss knowing that I'm crazy fortunate.

There is a lot of suffering in the world, unimaginable suffering. The things we take for granted are considered luxuries for others. Now, I have no intention of shaming anyone, just because we might have an easier, more privileged life than others doesn't imply that we can't have bad feelings, after all every human life contains varying degrees of suffering. But also, a degree of things to be grateful for.

Thus, all of us could benefit from seeing things from a different point of view by practising more gratitude, which can have an immense impact on our lives.

Here's what I've learned

Once gratitude becomes a constant companion, hardships will be regarded with a different mindset, after all, we cannot truly know love without first experiencing loneliness, faith without doubt, beauty without ugliness. It is only from the perspective of gratitude that we come to understand that these pains must be preserved within the pleasures for the latter to remain worthwhile.

Ultimately, it is all about what you make of the world. Having an inner trust that you have everything you need in life, and that you can appreciate how far you have come, you begin to sustain yourself differently, approaching every situation in life from a place of gratitude, which makes it far easier to ease feelings that are weighing you down.

We are all lost

At our core, we are all alike, striving for companionship, recognition and to be a better version of what we were yesterday. At times we are unconsciously guided by greed, lust and envy. It is something we all have in common. We tend to forget this at times.

When we feel insecure and lost, we are prone to convince ourselves that we are the only ones who feel this way, and that everyone around us knows exactly what they are doing. However, often the opposite is the case. We all feel lost and uneasy, particularly when we have just gone through a significant change. The beginning of university or starting a new job is a good example.

The reason we are inclined to feel isolated and insecure is because the new environment we are in is out of our comfort zone. As a result, our mind fills us with anxiety desperately trying to pull us back into our comfort zone. However, there is no going back, we have to embrace change in order to expand our comfort zone. In fact, it is only by stepping out of our comfort zone that we can achieve real growth.

Here's what I’ve learned

To speed up the process, you can remind yourself that even if your mind is playing tricks on you and convincing you that you are the only one who feels lost and everyone else is coping well with the change, you have to actively reassure yourself that this is not the case. I am confident that no one feels safe and at ease in times of change.

In addition, the most exhilarating part of stepping out of your comfort zone is that you can't predict what's going to happen. When I stepped out of my comfort zone, I finally understood how peaceful solitude is. Solitude was something that scared me at the beginning of University, but I came to cherish it and even seek it out frequently. There is nothing more powerful than feeling completely content with your own company.

Optimistic hope

When you allow yourself to feel vulnerable at last, and for the first time you're genuinely happy. You begin to trust and wake up every morning with a sense of bliss. But there's this persistent anxiety about losing that peace of mind. Now that you've seen how great the other side is, you can't imagine going back.

I was used to not feeling excited, I was used to being alone, I was used to not missing anyone so intensely. However, things have changed, and now I no longer appreciate the things I used to do. That high is so grand, but the fall is way worse. To think I convinced myself that it was worth it. That life is made up of ups and downs.

And now there's a void that was once filled with love and excitement. So what now? How long will it take for me to be my old self again? How long will it take for the longing to stop? And more importantly, will I do it again? Will I sacrifice my tedious peace and quiet for a little excitement and short-term love, only to suffer twice as much afterwards when I try to return to that tedious peace and quiet? Is it worth it?

As I am living through the pain at this moment, it is quite difficult to say that it is indeed worth it. The love and delight felt like a fleeting moment, while the recovery phase feels like an endless dark tunnel with no light at the end. Perhaps I should be pursuing something that brings me joy and love with no fear of losing it. Then again, perhaps the fear of losing something is what makes it all so much better.

Look, I know what you're thinking: I don't need anyone to be truly happy, I should be perfectly content all by myself. I agree with that, but that's not the happiness I was describing. I'm describing the sort of happiness we feel when we fall in love for the first time. It brings hope that makes us truly believe that the pain afterwards is nothing in comparison to the happiness. A simple feeling that makes even the darkest days shine brightly. You start to feel at ease.

Then, when it's gone, you feel as though something is missing. You go back to your normal routine, but nothing feels normal anymore.

Here’s what I’ve learned

Without even realizing it, you will slowly readjust to your life. You will regain your enthusiasm and stop comparing every feeling to the excitement you felt during that time. You will fill that void with something else.

The worst part is that you will have to do this several times in your life. You must. Because at the end of the day, we are quite simple creatures, we want nothing but love. You see, I'm aware that love is different for everyone, and for the longest time I thought I knew what that word meant, completely unaware that the sentiment can't be described. Love cannot be defined, as anyone who has ever felt it knows. That the mere description of this feeling does not even begin to capture it. That feeling is addictive, even if it hurts us in the end, we continue to seek it. We delude ourselves that this time it will be different or that the love will be worth it. And even in my current pain, I find that optimistic hope to be quite magnificent. After all, I know I'll keep seeking love and that I'll be in this pain again, willingly.

Freshers' week

The first week at university, also known as freshers' week, has now come to an end. It has already been a few days to look back on.

Due to Corona, I wasn't able to meet a lot of new people. I was studying architecture from the comfort of my home and had hardly any contact with my family and friends.

However, since I changed my major to Business Administration, I had the opportunity to attend Freshers' Week again, this time with fewer Corona restrictions as most students are vaccinated. Freshers' week is dedicated to meeting people and exploring the city, it mainly consists of parties and casual events.

Getting to know lots of new people in one week was an unfamiliar setting for me. Apparently, it's not like riding a bike, you can indeed forget how to do it. Looking back, I can't assess my behavior at the time, only how strange and awkward I felt, while interacting with people for the first time, whether it's a conversation about where they're from or why they chose their major, always felt odd; it doesn't come naturally to me how I should behave in those situations. I've always struggled when getting to know new people simply because I don't enjoy superficial exchanges. Needless to say, those are the only conversations you have with someone you've just met.

The reason I don't appreciate talking about shallow topics is that I can't be myself. Although I'm not particularly shy, it's tiring not to be able to discuss the matters that interest me as well as constantly struggling to find a new topic of conversation, regardless of whether you're genuinely interested in it. Truthfully, it seems as if I'm only talking to avoid the deafening silence that occurs between people who don't know each other that well.

There's a girl in my group, and while we were at an event yesterday, I kept suggesting that we leave, but even though she was visibly bored half the time, she didn't want to leave and even ended up staying after I left. I admire that because she isn't easily discouraged by a moment of silence or awkwardness, she knows those moments will pass and amusing moments will follow.

To me, finding interest in other people is difficult. As I was talking to people at these events, I noticed that I didn't care where they were from or why they chose that particular major, notably, I didn't feel that this interaction would hold any significance in the future, knowing that I wouldn't become close friends with the vast majority of these people.

By no means is that meant to be condescending, everyone was friendly and I had a good time, but I didn't feel as though I connected with most of them. Talking to someone you feel a bond with is entirely different than chatting with someone you don't feel a bond with. Speaking to people you feel an instant connection to feels easy, it's not mentally draining, and you could imagine doing it indefinitely. Even conversations about superficial matters lead to more engaging issues and you begin to open up.

Quite the opposite is the case after meeting someone you don't feel any bond with. It always leaves you, or at least me, with a feeling that can perhaps best be described as a disappointment. Disappointed because every time I encounter somebody new, I anticipate a connection right away, but when that's not the case, it leaves me feeling gutted. Thus, making it pointless to stay at these gatherings.

Nevertheless, I forced myself to stay as long as I could. Until everything I had to say was said and I met a handful of new people. By the time I got back home, I felt proud of myself for having learned a valuable lesson.

Here's what I learned

Stepping out of your comfort zone is never easy, and you will feel a lot of resistance. Every fiber of your body will try to return to the comfort of your old environment, but that's what you must escape from to grow.

Granted, admitting that I had to force myself to stay at a social event may sound strange at first, but that's precisely what happened: I had to force myself to remain in that setting precisely because it was out of my comfort zone. I will continue to do so.

After all, it's just a matter of practice: the more I go out and meet new people, the easier it will become. Even if the first 100 times may feel awkward, disappointing, and strange, I have to push through it. Only then will I be able to grow and expand my horizons.

My 20th Birthday

A couple of weeks ago, I turned 20 years old. Unfortunately, I was not able to celebrate my birthday at home with my friends and family as I had to make preparations for university in a different city.

As my birthday approached, I decided not to spend the day at home, but to take a trip to a neighboring city. Conveniently, Amsterdam is only two hours away from my apartment, so I looked for museums and other activities to do in Amsterdam, but couldn't quite commit to the trip. I knew my parents would suggest that I should return home rather than go to another city, but for some reason, I was drawn to the idea of traveling alone for the first time.

I have never traveled alone before mainly because I found it hard to imagine traveling alone, dining alone, or doing all sorts of activities all by myself. Nevertheless, I realized that I have never been able to fully enjoy a trip as I tend to have a rather particular idea of what a holiday should be like. I am very fond of museums and taking photos, shopping for hours, and exploring the city during a lengthy walk. It is possible to do these things with a friend or a parent, but these activities feel entirely different when you are alone with your thoughts. You have the freedom to rediscover yourself in this strange city where no one even knows your name.

Despite it being the morning of my birthday, I had still not abandoned the idea of going to Amsterdam, but I found myself hesitating. I took my time getting ready, and by the time I finally decided to make a reservation for the museum I wanted to go to (Moco Museum Amsterdam), it was already past 2 pm. I didn't let that discourage me. I was determined to celebrate my birthday especially.

On every previous birthday, I had high expectations of others to make my birthday memorable, and if they didn't live up to those expectations, I would feel a sense of disappointment. I am honestly embarrassed to admit this. However, I have always considered birthdays as the ending of a chapter, of course, I preferred it when a chapter concludes with something special. This time, it was up to me to figure out how I wanted to spend the day.

I choose a great adventure.

To be honest, it was the first time that I consciously chose happiness and joy rather than indulging in my sadness. I took the initiative and went on a trip without telling anyone. Even while I was there, I received calls from friends and relatives congratulating me and wondering how I had spent my day, and I simply told them I went out.

I had a blast at the museum and it was the brightest day in Amsterdam, the sun was shining, people were sunbathing in the park near the museum reading books, talking, listening to music surrounded by museums and libraries. Plus, there was a shopping district very close by. I arrived quite late, and by the time I left the museum, the shops had already closed. I strolled around the city until my phone died and I had to figure out the way back to my car.

As I drove back, I realized that I hadn't given any thought to who hadn't congratulated me, who was missing, and how I expected to spend the day, because I felt I didn't need anyone to make me feel content at that moment. I was so immersed in all these novel things as well as the rush of doing something I had never done before to the point that I didn't have time to feel lonely, sad, or disappointed - all the feelings I knew too well.

All this taught me a powerful lesson that I imagine the vast majority of people who are content in life have already grasped.

Here’s what I've learned

At the end of the day, you don't need anyone to make your life worth living. That there's no point in waiting for happiness, adventure, and joy to come to you because they won't until you take the initiative yourself. If you want to have a memorable day, go out and make it a memorable day yourself. You alone are responsible for your happiness.

Up to this day, no one knows that I spent my birthday in Amsterdam.

Decisions that need to be made

At a very young age, we are asked what we want to be when we grow up. For a long time, I tried to remember my answer to this question and even asked my mother if she could remember. She couldn't remember either, which I thought was a disaster at the time.

So I had to figure out the answer in my adolescent years, frantically trying to remember what my three-year-old self wanted to be.

And why? Because it makes life easier.

If you determine at a young age what path you want to pursue, you put everything in your life into achieving that goal. This saves you from constantly having to deal with the future, especially deciding on a certain direction. Something that no longer appeals to me as I continue to become more independent.

Growing up as quickly as possible is probably the wish of many children. Meanwhile, adults caution us against this desire, but without making it clear why. If you ask them why they wouldn't recommend growing up too quickly, they always cite the most trivial things they can think of, such as missing school or not being able to see your friends every day, although they know very well that these are the most bearable things about adulthood.

The insight I would have liked to have is that, as an adult, I have to start making my own decisions, not about small, insignificant things like what to eat every day, which can also be quite a challenge if you are not a very good cook yourself, but that you have to start deciding about things that are extremely important at that time, such as what to study at university or where to live, whether the person you are attracted to will be the right partner for you and so on. Since I started making all these decisions for myself, there have been numerous times where I wished someone would just make a decision for me. Either to blame someone else should I not be satisfied with the outcome, or because I realized I had to figure out who I was as a person and who I wanted to become. I felt, that only someone with an external point of view could make an objective decision about who I was and who I wanted to become. I was too biased and sentimental to make such a long-term decision.

Therefore, I pretended to make a decision by myself while doing exactly what I was told to do by people who I believed knew me better than I knew myself, and (to no surprise) I regretted it shortly after. What I regretted most was that I failed to listen to myself. That I thought I didn't have to make such a decision with my own feelings in mind, that I thought such a decision had to be objective. Of course, I had no way of knowing that, and now I could certainly blame all the adults in my life for not teaching me that, yet I am grateful for having learned a lesson that I could never have learned if I had not experienced it myself.

Here's what I learned

When you make a decision for yourself, there is no right or wrong as long as you are that one person making the decision. Every path you choose has something valuable for you in the end. Even if it turns out not to be the most appropriate course, after all, there was something in you that wanted you to learn that lesson, hence making it the right path, even if you change direction later on. At the very least, you can consider it as growth.

Although I still have difficulty making decisions, I have begun to accept the discomfort, for every decision I make nowadays, no matter how small or big, it brings me joy, because every single choice allows me to get to know myself a little better and brings me closer to the person I hope to become.