Decisions that need to be made

At a very young age, we are asked what we want to be when we grow up. For a long time, I tried to remember my answer to this question and even asked my mother if she could remember. She couldn't remember either, which I thought was a disaster at the time.

So I had to figure out the answer in my adolescent years, frantically trying to remember what my three-year-old self wanted to be.

And why? Because it makes life easier.

If you determine at a young age what path you want to pursue, you put everything in your life into achieving that goal. This saves you from constantly having to deal with the future, especially deciding on a certain direction. Something that no longer appeals to me as I continue to become more independent.

Growing up as quickly as possible is probably the wish of many children. Meanwhile, adults caution us against this desire, but without making it clear why. If you ask them why they wouldn't recommend growing up too quickly, they always cite the most trivial things they can think of, such as missing school or not being able to see your friends every day, although they know very well that these are the most bearable things about adulthood.

The insight I would have liked to have is that, as an adult, I have to start making my own decisions, not about small, insignificant things like what to eat every day, which can also be quite a challenge if you are not a very good cook yourself, but that you have to start deciding about things that are extremely important at that time, such as what to study at university or where to live, whether the person you are attracted to will be the right partner for you and so on. Since I started making all these decisions for myself, there have been numerous times where I wished someone would just make a decision for me. Either to blame someone else should I not be satisfied with the outcome, or because I realized I had to figure out who I was as a person and who I wanted to become. I felt, that only someone with an external point of view could make an objective decision about who I was and who I wanted to become. I was too biased and sentimental to make such a long-term decision.

Therefore, I pretended to make a decision by myself while doing exactly what I was told to do by people who I believed knew me better than I knew myself, and (to no surprise) I regretted it shortly after. What I regretted most was that I failed to listen to myself. That I thought I didn't have to make such a decision with my own feelings in mind, that I thought such a decision had to be objective. Of course, I had no way of knowing that, and now I could certainly blame all the adults in my life for not teaching me that, yet I am grateful for having learned a lesson that I could never have learned if I had not experienced it myself.

Here's what I learned

When you make a decision for yourself, there is no right or wrong as long as you are that one person making the decision. Every path you choose has something valuable for you in the end. Even if it turns out not to be the most appropriate course, after all, there was something in you that wanted you to learn that lesson, hence making it the right path, even if you change direction later on. At the very least, you can consider it as growth.

Although I still have difficulty making decisions, I have begun to accept the discomfort, for every decision I make nowadays, no matter how small or big, it brings me joy, because every single choice allows me to get to know myself a little better and brings me closer to the person I hope to become.