Good things rarely come easy

Alright, listen up. So, for the past few months, it's been full-time work, social events galore, and marketing madness. Part-time turned forty hour work week at the same company. On top of that, throw in a personal life dumpster fire, and let me tell you, by 5 pm I was toast. Like, scrolling mindlessly on the sofa, questioning every life choice kind of toast. Weekends? Forget it. I had to physically drag myself out the door.

But two months in, things are slowly getting better. Sure, there are still full-on Netflix binges (which, FYI, are absolutely valid). This isn't your "five easy steps to conquering stress" handbook. It's more like a "why sometimes you gotta see it through" pep talk. See, there was a moment, a big, fat moment of "should I just quit?" But then I weighed things out. Turns out, more responsibility equals more stress - shocker, right? But the core of it? I actually liked my job and the people I worked with. So, I took a weekend away from the madness, and relaxed.

Here's the thing: quitting isn't a crime. Chronic stress, however, is a one-way ticket to burnout. My point? When life throws you curveballs, at work or elsewhere, take a step back. Weigh things out. Is this a temporary hurdle or a full-on roadblock? Newsflash: good stuff rarely comes easy. Even the dream job has its rough patches

That being said, listen to your gut. If the discomfort is like a weird, clingy ex that won't leave, then maybe it's time to make a change. You got this, boo. Just remember, a little perseverance goes a long way (with a generous side of self-care, ofc).

A sketch of the future

Expectations - they're like silent storytellers, weaving narratives in our minds about how things should unfold. Yet, do they solely lead us to disappointment, or is there more to their intricate role in our lives?

During a recent discussion with some friends, a lively debate arose on the subject. One of my friends said she felt let down that a recent movie had not met her expectations. This triggered a lively exchange of opposing views, each offering their own perspective on expectations and their impact.

The common belief that they are a one-way street to disappointment was a frequent thread running through the conversation. The idea was that the excitement for a certain outcome leaves us frustrated when reality deviates from it. Even if it turns out the way we had imagined, it doesn't trigger any feelings worth mentioning because we had already anticipated this outcome. Although I found the reasoning plausible, I disagreed with this view. I argued that expectations are not mere traps of disappointment; they are, in fact, our inner compasses guiding us through life’s twists and turns. However, it is not about completely erasing them, but understanding that they are fluid. Sure, unfulfilled hopes can dishearten us. Yet, having expectations doesn’t mean we’re indifferent when they come to realisation. It is not the prediction itself, but the way in which we chain ourselves to it that shapes our emotional reaction.

Our expectations cannot predict the future. They stem from our past experiences, painting a picture of what might come next, but never dictating it. They act as a sketch rather than a complete portrait, leaving space for reality to shape the remaining details. The beauty lies in the realization that our future is not predetermined; it is flexible, adaptable and open to surprises. What if we loosened our expectations and admired the beauty of the details we cannot foresee?

It’s not about discarding them; it’s about embracing their evolution. Sometimes, life doesn’t align with our anticipated script, but that doesn’t diminish its significance or value. Free yourself from rigid ideas of the future. Embrace the uncertainty, embrace the possibility that life might offer you something beyond your imagination. Isn't the magic of life precisely in its ability to amaze us?

It's time to redefine our relationship with expectations - not as limiting barriers, but as companions on our journey through life's unpredictable trajectory.

Friendships

In our twenties, we often focus heavily on finding the right romantic partner, sometimes overlooking the incredible stability our friendships offer. It's strange because our friends are the ones who've been with us through our teenage years, the people we turn to in tough times, sharing things we might not tell anyone else.

My closest friend and I have been inseparable for about six years now. Our friendship didn’t start on a specific day; it just grew from knowing each other to becoming an integral part of each other’s lives. We met in middle school and became really close during high school. Even though we’ve been 600 kilometers apart during university, our bond only grew stronger. I've learned that all relationships, whether romantic or not, need effort to thrive.

My friend and I make it a daily habit to check in with each other, even if it's just a quick call or text. Showing interest and letting someone know you’re eager to talk can mean a lot. We take our friendship seriously by planning hangouts, even if it’s just to watch a movie. It’s our way of showing how much our friendship means to us.

If you feel any of your connections lack depth, treat them like new relationships. Show genuine interest in their lives, spend quality time together, and be caring and thoughtful, just as you'd want someone to be with you.

I’m incredibly grateful for my dearest friend. She’s been a constant support, someone I can always count on. Knowing she trusts me and shares her life with me is something I cherish deeply. (Thank you Sophie!)

Friendships, like any relationship, need attention and care. By valuing these connections, we not only honour our bonds but also enrich our lives with invaluable support.

Liability by Ella

I went to Budapest for this six-day festival – a little adventure that turned out to be a lot of fun. What made it even better was getting to see some of my favourite artists, with Lorde (or Ella, as her fans know her) being the highlight.

It's interesting how some artists' music can feel so personal, even if you've enjoyed it for years. They become a part of your life's soundtrack, but you might not think of them right away if someone asks about your favorites.

During the festival, Lorde shared a bit about what inspires her songwriting. She mentioned that it's often those little moments that spark her creativity – a fleeting look or a meaningful conversation. She introduced a song that was born from a particularly intense experience, one that left her walking around the city, eventually finding herself in a cab, shedding tears on the way home. That song's lyrics really struck me because I could relate to the emotions she was describing.

[Verse 1]
Baby really hurt me, crying in the taxi
He don't wanna know me
Says he made the big mistake of dancing in my storm
Says it was poison
So I guess I'll go home
Into the arms of the girl that I love
The only love I haven't screwed up
She's so hard to please, but she's a forest fire
I do my best to meet her demands, play at romance
We slow dance in the living room
But all that a stranger would see
Is one girl swaying alone, stroking a cheek

[Chorus]
They say, "You're a little much for me
You're a liability
You're a little much for me"
So they pull back, make other plans
I understand, I'm a liability
Get you wild, make you leave
I'm a little much for e-a-na-na-na, everyone

[Verse 2]
The truth is
I am a toy that people enjoy
Till all of the tricks don't work anymore
And then they are bored of me
I know that it's exciting, running through the night
But every perfect summer's eating me alive until you're gone
Better on my own

[Chorus]
They say, "You're a little much for me
You're a liability
You're a little much for me"
So they pull back, make other plans
I understand, I'm a liability
Get you wild, make you leave
I'm a little much for e-a-na-na-na, everyone

[Outro]
They're gonna watch me disappear into the sun
You're all gonna watch me disappear into the sun

After performing the song, Lorde shared something she had come to realize over the course of seven years. She learned that she wasn't the problem, that being true to herself was the key to real happiness. It's a sentiment that really hit home – finding contentment is about embracing who we are and becoming the best version of ourselves. Only then can we attract the right people and find genuine happiness.

And so, her message was clear – focus on being authentic and striving to become your best self.

The Journey of Self-Discovery: Unraveling Your True Identity

Finding your own identity while growing up can be a daunting and deeply personal journey. It involves questioning the beliefs and values that have shaped you and discovering who you aspire to become. Having personally experienced this transformative process, I understand the challenges of breaking away from ingrained habits and beliefs. Often, it feels like we might be betraying our past or the people who taught us those beliefs, especially when our identity is intricately linked to our family or cultural background. Nevertheless, it's crucial to remember that finding your identity is not about rejecting your past or culture but about exploring and reconciling your true self with your heritage.

Navigating the Path:
As I embarked on this expedition of self-discovery, I encountered resistance and moments of self-doubt. Distinguishing between my genuine desires and those imposed on me by external influences proved challenging. The conflict between what I truly wanted and what I had been taught to want created inner turmoil. Leaving behind my old self without feeling like I was abandoning that version of me was equally trying.

A Natural Part of Growth:
Remember, questioning your beliefs and seeking your identity is a natural part of growing up. Everyone undergoes this process in their unique way and at their own pace. It's possible that beliefs you once held dear may no longer serve your best interests or align with your aspirations for the future.

Being Patient and Kind to Yourself:
Throughout this journey, it's essential to be patient and compassionate with yourself. Allow yourself the time and space to explore your beliefs and desires without judgment or pressure. It's okay to question your beliefs and to allow them to evolve. Your self-discovery process is a personal and sacred journey.

Seeking Support:
Surround yourself with people who accept and embrace your true self. Seek out supportive individuals who can offer guidance and encouragement on your path of self-discovery. Additionally, consider keeping a journal to document your thoughts and feelings during this transformative phase. Celebrate even the smallest successes along the way and take pride in the progress you make.

Embracing the Unknown:
Ultimately, finding your identity is about understanding your true self, your core beliefs, and your aspirations. Embrace the uncertainties and allow yourself to venture into the unknown. Trust in yourself and the journey, knowing that you possess the strength and resilience to discover your authentic identity.

Discovering your true identity is an empowering and deeply personal quest. Embrace the challenges and uncertainties with courage and an open heart. Remember, embracing your true self doesn't mean turning your back on anyone; it's about being unapologetically you. Those who genuinely love you will continue to love and support you on this journey. Their love is unwavering, even as you uncover your authentic self and find happiness. So, release the worry of meeting others' expectations and start embracing the person you know you truly are.

Embracing Personal Independence

In our journey through life, it is crucial to strike a balance between sharing our lives with loved ones and maintaining our personal independence. Over the past year, I have undergone a significant transformation in becoming financially self-reliant. Moving to a different city forced me to unlearn dependency on others.

Growing up, I was accustomed to my parents, especially my mother, taking care of important matters. Even after leaving home, I often sought her guidance on crucial decisions. I mistakenly believed that the extent of my loved ones care determined their love for me. However, I came to the realization that it is not their duty to take care of me - I am an adult and responsible for my own well-being.

This realization, though easier said than done, required me to let go of certain expectations. I had to acknowledge that we all face our own struggles and burdens. It is unfair to burden others with our dependency without considering their own challenges. If we find ourselves dependent on someone, it is essential to ask whether we would willingly provide the same level of care to someone else and if it would feel burdensome.

Here is what I have learned

Having had parents or guardians who cared for us was a blessing, but that phase of life has passed. We must take charge of our own lives to the best of our abilities. Everything we seek in others can be provided by ourselves. We need to be kinder, more considerate, patient, positive, and fun toward ourselves. We are the constant in our lives, and it is our responsibility to ensure we are cared for in every possible way. Express gratitude for our accomplishments thus far. The more independence we gain, the less our emotions and well-being will rely on others. We possess all the necessary ingredients for happiness, love, and appreciation within ourselves.

Embracing personal independence is a journey of self-care, allowing us to nurture and fulfill our own needs. By cultivating a sense of self-reliance, we empower ourselves to live a more fulfilling and gratifying life.

Don’t say “everything will be fine”

Navigating the complexities of our emotions and struggles can be a challenging journey, especially when it feels like a heavy burden that we're carrying alone. At times, we reach out to our loved ones, sharing our deepest emotions, seeking comfort and support. While their intentions are genuine, there are moments when we still find ourselves longing for someone who truly understands the depths of our pain.

It's disheartening when you share your innermost thoughts and emotions, only to be met with cliché phrases and empty reassurances that everything will magically be fine. You long for someone who truly understands what you're going through, someone who can offer genuine empathy and support. It's in these moments that you question the point of opening up and sharing your struggles when it seems like no one truly hears you.

Of course, you're grateful for the efforts of your loved ones to help you. Their intentions are genuine, but deep down, you feel even worse after sharing because you still don't feel truly heard or understood. It's a painful cycle of feeling isolated and burdened, trapped in a world where your struggles are dismissed with well-intentioned but superficial phrases.

It's important to acknowledge that finding a neat and tidy resolution to these feelings is not always possible. It's a complex and deeply personal journey that varies from person to person. While I can't provide a definitive answer since I haven't fully overcome this struggle myself, I want you to know that you are not alone.

Sharing your experiences and emotions is a powerful step towards finding solace and validation. There are others out there who can relate to your feelings. Remember, your emotions are valid, your struggles should be taken seriously, and you deserve to be heard and supported. Life should be filled with excitement and joy, and it's essential to find the support and understanding that can help you regain your inner light.

In this journey, seek out compassionate individuals who truly empathize with your struggles. Consider reaching out to support groups or seeking professional guidance from therapists or counselors who specialize in the challenges you face. Together, you can explore paths to healing and find solace in knowing that you are not alone in your journey.

While the road ahead may be uncertain, never underestimate the power of finding solidarity and understanding. By sharing your story, you have already taken a courageous step towards reclaiming your sense of self and seeking the support you deserve. Remember, you are never alone, and there is hope for brighter days ahead.

For all those who are trying to support someone who is struggling:

As we navigate the delicate terrain of supporting loved ones who are struggling, it's essential to recognize that offering logical solutions or cliché phrases may not always be the most helpful approach. While it's natural to want to provide answers and alleviate their pain, sometimes what they truly need is simply to be heard and understood.

Acknowledging the emotions and experiences of those who are struggling goes beyond offering quick fixes or dismissing their feelings. It involves being present, actively listening, and validating their emotions. Letting them know that you understand the depth of their struggles can provide immense comfort and reassurance.

In our efforts to support, it's also important to remember that logical solutions don't always address the core of their emotional turmoil. While it's valuable to discuss potential next steps and options, it's equally important to allow them the space to feel their emotions fully. Validating their feelings and allowing them to express themselves without judgment creates an environment of trust and empathy.

Different individuals may have different needs when it comes to finding comfort during difficult times. Some may prefer some alone time to reflect and heal, while others may find solace in engaging in meaningful conversations. Some might benefit from getting temporarily distracted from their struggles by doing something fun or engaging in activities that bring them joy.

Communication becomes vital in this process. Sharing our preferences and needs with our loved ones can help them better understand how to support us. Likewise, asking them how they would like to be comforted if they were facing challenges can foster a reciprocal understanding and create stronger bonds of support.

In conclusion, supporting someone who is struggling requires us to go beyond clichés and logical solutions. It involves active listening, genuine empathy, and validating their emotions. Remember to be present, offer a non-judgmental space, and respect their individual needs. Together, we can create a foundation of support and understanding that allows us all to heal and grow.

The other side of the tunnel

Letting go of something that doesn't meet your standards can be incredibly difficult. It can leave you feeling empty and alone, wondering if you made the right decision. But sometimes, you have to let go of what's comfortable in order to make room for something better.

It's important to remember what we bring to the table and how much we deserve. We shouldn't be afraid to leave a situation that doesn't align with our values and goals. When we choose ourselves and leave behind what no longer serves us, we make space for something better to come into our lives.

Of course, the healing journey after letting go can still be challenging. It's natural to feel sadness, grief, and uncertainty during this time. But it's important to remember that healing is not a linear process. There will be ups and downs, and that's okay. It's okay to take the time you need to heal, and to reach out for support if you need it.

Leaving a situation that doesn't meet our standards is an act of self-love. It's choosing ourselves and our happiness over something that is holding us back. And when we make that choice, we open ourselves up to the possibility of finding something better—something that aligns with our values and brings us joy.

When you finally find something better—something that meets your standards and makes you truly happy—it's important to celebrate that achievement. Take pride in the fact that you chose yourself, and that you were brave enough to leave something behind that no longer served you.

Finally, letting go of anything that does not fulfil our expectations is a profound act of self-love. It's about acknowledging our worth and prioritising ourselves and our fulfilment over everything else. It might be a challenging path, but when we find something better, we can look back with gratitude, knowing that we were brave enough to choose ourselves.

I know I am.

Living up to your potential

„Living up to your potential“ is a concept that has been ingrained in us since childhood. It's the notion that we have the ability to achieve greatness, both in our personal lives and in our studies or future careers. However, with that potential comes the burden of expectations, which can weigh heavily on us as we navigate through life.

It's natural to have high expectations of ourselves, but that drive can quickly turn into fear if we feel we're not living up to our potential. We worry that we'll look back on our lives and realize we've wasted our talents, and that we'll never achieve the success we desire.

Managing that fear can be a challenge, but it's important to remember that success is not a linear path. It's a journey with ups and downs, and celebrating the small successes along the way is just as important as achieving the big ones. Every step forward, no matter how small, is a step in the right direction.

It's also important to recognize that failure is a natural part of the process. No one achieves success without encountering setbacks along the way. The key is to learn from those failures and use them as motivation to keep pushing forward.

Another important aspect of living up to your potential is understanding what success means to you. It's easy to get caught up in the societal expectations of what success looks like, but true success is defined by your own goals and aspirations. Take the time to reflect on what truly matters to you and focus your efforts on achieving those things.

Above all, it's important to be kind to yourself. It's easy to be our own harshest critic, but remember that you're only human. Don't let the fear of failure prevent you from pursuing your goals and dreams.

Living up to your potential is a daunting task, but it's also a rewarding one. Embrace the journey, celebrate your small successes, learn from your failures, and always strive to be the best version of yourself.

Alone but not lonely

Living in your own apartment is a major milestone in life. For many, it marks the first step towards independence and adulthood. It's a time to start fresh and build a home that truly reflects who you are.

For me, moving into my first apartment was an exciting but nerve-wracking experience. I had always lived at home, so the idea of living completely on my own was intimidating. However, as soon as I moved in, I realized the incredible sense of freedom and independence that came with it. I could decorate my space however I wanted, keep my own schedule, and spend my time as I pleased.

At first, I was worried about being alone too much. I had never spent much time by myself, and the idea of having no one to talk to or hang out with seemed daunting. But I soon realized that being alone didn't have to mean being lonely. In fact, it was a chance to learn to be comfortable in my own company and appreciate the peacefulness that came with it.

One of the biggest benefits of living alone was the opportunity to create my own routine. I could wake up when I wanted, cook my own meals, and spend my time pursuing my own interests. I found that I had much more time to focus on my hobbies and personal goals, without the distractions of other people around me. It was a chance to grow and learn more about myself.

Of course, there were challenges to living alone as well. Taking care of my own apartment and finances required more responsibility and discipline than I was used to. There were times when I felt overwhelmed or isolated, and it took some effort to stay connected with friends and family. But overall, the benefits of living alone far outweighed any difficulties.

Looking back on two years in my apartment, I realise how much I've grown and how much I've learned. I've developed a sense of independence and confidence that I didn't have before. I've learned how to be alone without feeling lonely, and how to make the most of my time and space. Moving into my own apartment was a big step, but it was also one of the best decisions I've ever made.

“Ground rules”

It's getting cold outside, which means the season of couples has begun. During this season, love is often talked about even in my circle of friends, everyone is dating or longing for someone with whom they can save some heating costs. Therefore, I thought it would be appropriate to draw up a list of principles that I would like to call the “ ground rules for love”.

1. Do not set the bar too low.

Someone will only jump as high as you set the bar for them. If you set the bar too low, you may end up understating the framework of the relationship you are trying to build. You will be disappointed and end up wishing for more. In building a relationship, you are simultaneously building a manner of interaction. Therefore, how someone treats you should always be set very high.

2. Figure out ways you feel most loved, then find the person who can give that to you.

When looking for a relationship, we are constantly looking for someone who makes us feel loved and cared for. However, we all have different love languages that we use to express our affection for someone.

There are "physical touch", “gift giving”, “spending time” and “acts of service”. It is of significance that you figure out what kind of love language makes you feel cherished and how you express love.

3. Look at the situation from a distance.

On paper, someone may seem great, but when you look at the situation from an external point of view, you get a new perspective on the situation. I would recommend, taking a step back and imagining what you would advise a friend in this situation.

Furthermore, this can also be applied when you begin to overthink matters as you start to analyse every little detail realise that you are blowing things out of proportion.

4. Communication is key.

One thing I learned the hard way is that you can't build a relationship with someone without proper communication. You have to be honest and straightforward with your partner, especially if you want to establish a long-term relationship. You are going to have arguments and disagreements, but you will only prosper if you communicate honestly and effectively.

5. If someone is looking for an easy way out, let them go.

Maintaining a healthy relationship will be difficult because nothing worthwhile comes easy. If someone is constantly making excuses and making every little flaw in your relationship a huge issue that you can't get over. Recognise that this person is not willing to fight for your relationship, that they are just looking for an excuse to leave. The relationship is destined to collapse because one of you isn't willing to fight. They will leave, so better sooner than later.

6. Be secure in yourself.

The biggest mistake you can make is looking for validation externally. No one should be able to affect your self-worth. You shouldn't feel any more desirable just because you're in a relationship, and you should never feel less worthy if you don't have one. Be confident in who you are, have your own aspirations and achievements.

7. It is more than "love".

Love can be interpreted in an infinite number of ways, but I have seen countless relationships fail even though they both were in love. However, it is simply not enough to be in love. It's about perseverance, knowing that you are building something greater and that a relationship can sustain losses and should not be taken for granted.

8. Prefer to be alone than to ask for the bare minimum.

If someone wanted to, they would. You don't have to ask for anything because if the person wanted to spend time with you, wanted to get to know you or wanted the relationship to work, they would have done the best they could to make that happen. We as humans are very stubborn when it comes to what we genuinely want in life. Thus, if someone is not even doing the bare minimum for the relationship, stop wasting your energy and time.

9. Understand that the honeymoon will be over.

The high of the first three to four months will pass and you will get accustomed to dating. Your partner will see you for who you really are and you will see them for who they really are. That is wonderful, because then you can be assured that you are being loved for who you truly are.

10 .You will find the right one.

It should go without saying, but I say it for all those who are deep down terrified that they will never find the person they are looking for. For all those who think they should settle for the next best one, because at least that's better than being alone. It isn't. You're pouring your energy and your heart into building something that won't last. Deep down, you'll feel it when you've met the right one because you'll stop wishing for more.

All these are fairly light hearted, yet we tend to forget some of the above as soon as we fall in love simply because love clouds our logical thinking, I hope this can put things into perspective in the hope that the heart breaks will be minimised during the spring season.

Party conversations

"In girl world, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it." - Mean Girls

After looking for fake snakes or anything resembling a Dalmatian for either a Medusa costume or to stage Cruella, I gave up and bought a pirate hat. Surprisingly, I liked how the pirate costume ended up looking.

I prefer house parties to clubs because you can actually meet new people and have a conversation. Conversations with strangers late at night are the interesting ones as they remind you that there are so many people outside of your own bubble.

I enjoyed the conversation with Ben the most because we had seemingly so little in common, but after five minutes we were talking about matters that only close friends talk about. Ben had recently gone through a breakup and was visiting a friend from out of town. His girlfriend, who he had been dating for a year, had decided she couldn't bear the long distance and called it quits. Although this happened only a fortnight ago, Ben appeared to have reached the stage of acceptance, the key word here being 'appeared'. I don't think he was over the relationship that quickly, especially if the reason for the break-up was, as he put it, "just down to distance". I talked to Ben as if he were a friend, even though I estimated him to be five years older than he actually was. The conversation felt comforting. I told him about my troubles and he listened attentively. We shared our truths and ended the conversation by introducing ourselves.

Not every conversation with a stranger goes like this, there are plenty of people who hold back, justifiably so. However, it is so liberating to confide in someone and get to know them while discussing meaningful topics. Whereas it can be so draining to have a conversation that consists only of small talk and meaningless topics. Therefore my appeal is to have more conversations of this kind and don't be afraid to confide in others, and make others feel they can also confide in you, you never know how much someone might need it.

Me and Ben didn't exchange phone numbers or any social media links, we just said our farewells. Hopefully, he and his girlfriend will be able to make it work.

Be alright

One day you will wake up and sense a mental transformation. Often this happens gradually, but at times where the past appears to haunt you as you suffer, this change will be evident because the pain will begin to ease. You will feel the weight lift off you, not entirely, but just enough for you to take a deep breath.

Even if you don't notice it right away, you will catch yourself laughing and enjoying yourself again, or simply no longer feel that you are grieving. Then you will know that this is the beginning of you moving on. It also signifies that you will soon be able to rejoice in the person you have become, having successfully overcome a situation that was quite challenging for you, which only made you stronger and wiser in the process. Personally, that's the part I'm most excited about, finally being able to look back and see what I've learned. As well as finally making room for something new and something better.

Naturally, there are days when I feel better, when I feel carefree, and there are days when the past catches up with me again, but at least now I have the certainty that these days will pass and better days lie ahead.

When you are in the midst of it, it is almost impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but once you have accepted the situation, if on one hand you give your feelings enough space and on the other hand you are patient with yourself, you can see the light quite clearly in front of you.

The only advice I can give to those who are still in the middle of it is the not very comforting one that time can heal the wounds of the past, you just have to have the necessary patience with yourself.

You will be alright!

How to…

There is this radical discomfort when you step out of your comfort zone. In the last few months, I have left my comfort zone far behind. I started a new job shortly after suffering two major losses in my life. I'm juggling uni, work, and personal life. However, I met more new people last semester than in the previous two semesters combined. I compelled myself to keep going, even when I longed to run back to my comfort zone. It takes a lot of willpower to focus on why it's all worth it when my mind is trying to get me to fall back into my old habits.

Here's what I've learned

Accept that you will be terrible at first

Something I often struggle with is that as a perfectionist, I tend to get discouraged when I realise I'm not getting great results. It's also why I've never been able to pursue hobbies over a long period. However, this is not sustainable, I now have to accept that it is quite impossible to achieve great results quickly. Especially when you embark on something completely new, you will very often fail before you succeed. This is amplified by the fact that our generation is conditioned to expect instant gratification, but long-term relationships and a fulfilling job will not give you instant gratification. Remember, nothing great could ever be built quickly. It is patience and effort on which these achievements are built.

Your network is your net-worth

One of the most valuable things in your life is your network. In fact, most job and housing offers are not even advertised, they are referred through your network. The people you know and the social circles you frequent, shape you in ways you can't even imagine. You should make it a habit to socialise every day. Meet new people, go to events you've never been to before, and your circle should be constantly expanding.

Say yes more often

Make a commitment to yourself that you will go to every event that crosses your path. Even if you think it might not be something that would interest you, go anyway. I've been doing this very diligently for the last three months, and believe me, not only will you meet plenty of fascinating people, but you never know if you might find something that truly intrigues you. I never thought I would be such a fan of poetry, because at school I always avoided that topic, but going to poetry slams, for example, rekindled my enthusiasm for it.

Just say yes, you never know...

Talk to strangers as if they were already friends

I know this is easier said than done, especially if you're a rather introverted person. But I think we can all agree that small talk at first is not only awkward but usually boring. My advice: skip the awkward stage and avoid the standard questions. Pay attention to one thing that is unique about a person and ask them about it. This is even easier if you are at a particular event because you can use the event as a conversation starter. Also, with people, you only exchange two to three sentences, be positive, and exude an approachable attitude. Doing so will transform your conversations with others and you will be surprised how quickly people reflect your friendliness.

Enjoy the process

It is so easy to forget to enjoy the moment, we are usually focusing on what we want to achieve and what our life will look like, that we forget that the present moment is fleeting and that we will never be this young again, that the people we are with at the moment may not be in our future lives. To think that we will look back on these moments that will be memories and that we will regret that we didn’t cherish them more.

Surround yourself with people who give you joy

I am grateful for the people in my life. Both for those who have been with me for a while and those who have made the last few months such a pleasure. People who have brought out the best in me and truly have faith in me, even while knowing my weaknesses. Every moment is worthwhile when spent with the right people. People who make you feel safe and at ease.

Strive for greater things

Never settle for the bare minimum, neither for yourself nor for those around you. Constantly strive for more, continue to improve, and be a better person than you were yesterday. Don't settle for the bare minimum in your environment either, encourage your friends and family to become better too, and recognise that you are made for greatness and deserve the same love that you give to others. Identify what area you can improve in and proactively work to improve yourself.

Make mistakes

Stop regretting every little mistake you have made. In fact, now is the time when you have the luxury of messing up, and you should take advantage of it. Do things without the fear of messing up, because you'll grow a lot more from failing than you ever will from getting it right the first time. Consider mistakes as an opportunity to do better next time. See what works for you and what doesn't, because recognising what you don't want is just as important as recognising what you do want.

Take some time off

I have filled the last three months with as many activities as possible, desperately trying to avoid being alone with my thoughts. Being alone reminded me of what was no longer there, which threw me into a downward spiral. Looking back, I can say that this was not the best decision, because it damaged my well-being. I often forgot to eat because I was rushing from uni to work and then to a social event in the evening. I often changed in the car between appointments. I would arrive home exhausted and go straight to bed, only to do it again the next day, seven days a week. It doesn't matter what you do or how many commitments you have. You must schedule time for your body and mind to recover properly. I am now feeling the effects of powering through without having time to catch my breath, I have very little energy and I see a burnout on the horizon.

At least one day a week should be free from any commitments in order to relax and reflect.

Why our mental health has worsened during the pandemic

682 days have passed since the first lockdown in Germany. We look back with sorrow at all the damage the pandemic has caused, at all the people who have lost their lives, and at all the people who have been left with health complications.

It is rather difficult to talk about other consequences of the pandemic, as it would seem insensitive compared to those who had to suffer the loss of a loved one. Nevertheless, there is an immense impact that is neglected in the current discussions about the pandemic. Namely, it’s the discussion about our mental health. We need to have this conversation because it can have long-lasting effects on both society and us as individuals.

682 days ago, we were told to isolate, and we remain in that isolation. Even though it is for our own safety, we don't talk enough about the consequences of this isolation. As the first cases began to emerge, several countries began to close their borders, along with the schools, academic institutions, and non-essential businesses. As a result, our day-to-day lives came to a halt, but our responsibilities remained intact, with numerous businesses switching to home office. Schools and academic institutions switched to remote learning, so we were forced to adapt quickly. Throughout this rapid transition, we were incapable of developing adequate systems suitable for this isolation. I'm certain you can recall what that must have felt like. One day you were going to work or university, grabbing lunch with friends, and going out for the evening, and then the next day you were lying in your bed trying to stay awake for your 8 o'clock conference, working through the workload all by yourself.

I speak from experience: I graduated from high school during the pandemic, which meant I went to school one day not knowing it would be my last. Initially, it felt like a relief because now I didn't have to get up so early, I could save myself the commute to school, and I could turn off my camera and sound at any given time, but this brought complications that didn't become apparent until I got to university. Although remote work or study is a necessity, it’s not a long-term solution.

1. Why remote work or study endangers our mental well-being

Academic institutions as well as plenty of offices rely heavily on social interactions. They are not just a setting where we learn or work, they are primarily a place where we interact with others. We learn how to engage with one another, how to work in a group, and how to establish meaningful relationships.

Having moved to another city to study, I know from personal experience how difficult it is to make new friends during the pandemic. Getting to know new people, let alone reaching out to them, is much more difficult. Although we relied on technology to connect us, the pandemic has proven that technology cannot substitute real human interaction.

Did you rather attend meetings, lectures or conferences in person or online?

For me, it's in person, particularly when it comes to lectures and studying as a whole. It's certainly not because anything has changed in terms of content, but rather because there's a completely different atmosphere in a room than there is in the same “room” over Zoom. What a lot of people are not taking into consideration is the anxiety that is connected with having for instance your camera on or speaking over zoom. As a result, you are less likely to engage, you also feel a certain type of discomfit. This has a lot to do with the lack of human interaction. You are not able to pick up one the general atmosphere, which doesn’t allow you to feel comfortable. This goes beyond the conferences on Zoom; we do our tasks or studies mostly alone, there is nobody we can look over the shoulder for inspiration, or at least have the comfort of knowing that we are not the only one struggling.

While studying architecture, my mental health was compromised by the constant thought of not being good enough; I convinced myself that I was the only one struggling and that everyone was doing well. As a result, I suffered from insomnia, some days I hardly had an appetite, while on other days I ate even though I wasn't all that hungry. All of these are symptoms that a lot of people suffer from. However, remote learning is not the sole cause behind worsening mental health. This leads me to my second point.

2. The lack of certainty for the future

To date, no one knows how long this pandemic will last. While some of us have made peace with the idea that this is our new normal, others are hopeful that this may be the last wave and life will return to normal. This uncertainty, combined with the constant stream of news about the worsening conditions along with all the damage that has already been done, is causing severe stress on everyone's mental health. This is intensified by the current recession and the job losses that come with it. A lot of people no longer have the financial security they had before the pandemic. This leads to an increase in anxiety and could even lead to depression or substance abuse.

Several studies have found that anxiety, alcohol use, domestic violence, and child abuse have increased significantly during the course of the pandemic. It is important that we see these things in context and not as isolated incidents because all of this points to a systemic problem. We will never be able to fix this problem if we don't even acknowledge that there is a problem in the first place.

There are, of course, several reasons why someone's mental health could have worsened, most of which have quite personal causes. But there are 3 steps you can take to improve your mental health regardless of the cause.

1. observe how your mental health has changed during the pandemic.

   • Again, you can only work on an issue once you’ve realized that there is one in the first place. Since we were forced to adapt quickly, along with the fact that the majority of us consider this a temporary condition, we didn't take the time to check in with ourselves. Determine what has changed for the worse and what has drained you mentally and physically. Only then can you attempt to eliminate the cause.

2. make your struggle known

   • When I chose this topic, I knew how difficult it would be to talk about it. The reason is that, unfortunately, there is still a tremendous stigma around mental health. Even I've noticed that when I talk about my experiences in this essay, I feel vulnerable. Yet, we need to overcome this discomfort because only by sharing our experiences or simply stating that we are struggling might encourage others to do the same. This will lead to necessary discussions about mental health in general, and the mere fact that one can share their struggles will make them feel heard.

3. become proactive

   • After you have figured out where your mental health has worsened and you have shared your experiences, you need to become proactive. You need to build support systems that will improve your mental health. Remember, even though there is a big stigma attached to mental health, you can take care of it the way you take care of your body. For example, when you have a cold, you take a day off, lie down in bed and rest so that your body can recover, and you can do the same if you have burnout. Take a few days off, and let your mind recover.

   We need to recognise that there is no substitute for human interaction, that we can build a bridge to others by making our struggle known. After all, these are not individual problems, but something we suffer from as a society, and we can do something about it starting with these three steps and going further. It doesn't matter if 682 days have passed since the first lockdown or just one day. Taking care of our mental wellbeing should be a constant priority.

Optimistic hope

When you allow yourself to feel vulnerable at last, and for the first time you're genuinely happy. You begin to trust and wake up every morning with a sense of bliss. But there's this persistent anxiety about losing that peace of mind. Now that you've seen how great the other side is, you can't imagine going back.

I was used to not feeling excited, I was used to being alone, I was used to not missing anyone so intensely. However, things have changed, and now I no longer appreciate the things I used to do. That high is so grand, but the fall is way worse. To think I convinced myself that it was worth it. That life is made up of ups and downs.

And now there's a void that was once filled with love and excitement. So what now? How long will it take for me to be my old self again? How long will it take for the longing to stop? And more importantly, will I do it again? Will I sacrifice my tedious peace and quiet for a little excitement and short-term love, only to suffer twice as much afterwards when I try to return to that tedious peace and quiet? Is it worth it?

As I am living through the pain at this moment, it is quite difficult to say that it is indeed worth it. The love and delight felt like a fleeting moment, while the recovery phase feels like an endless dark tunnel with no light at the end. Perhaps I should be pursuing something that brings me joy and love with no fear of losing it. Then again, perhaps the fear of losing something is what makes it all so much better.

Look, I know what you're thinking: I don't need anyone to be truly happy, I should be perfectly content all by myself. I agree with that, but that's not the happiness I was describing. I'm describing the sort of happiness we feel when we fall in love for the first time. It brings hope that makes us truly believe that the pain afterwards is nothing in comparison to the happiness. A simple feeling that makes even the darkest days shine brightly. You start to feel at ease.

Then, when it's gone, you feel as though something is missing. You go back to your normal routine, but nothing feels normal anymore.

Here’s what I’ve learned

Without even realizing it, you will slowly readjust to your life. You will regain your enthusiasm and stop comparing every feeling to the excitement you felt during that time. You will fill that void with something else.

The worst part is that you will have to do this several times in your life. You must. Because at the end of the day, we are quite simple creatures, we want nothing but love. You see, I'm aware that love is different for everyone, and for the longest time I thought I knew what that word meant, completely unaware that the sentiment can't be described. Love cannot be defined, as anyone who has ever felt it knows. That the mere description of this feeling does not even begin to capture it. That feeling is addictive, even if it hurts us in the end, we continue to seek it. We delude ourselves that this time it will be different or that the love will be worth it. And even in my current pain, I find that optimistic hope to be quite magnificent. After all, I know I'll keep seeking love and that I'll be in this pain again, willingly.

Freshers' week

The first week at university, also known as freshers' week, has now come to an end. It has already been a few days to look back on.

Due to Corona, I wasn't able to meet a lot of new people. I was studying architecture from the comfort of my home and had hardly any contact with my family and friends.

However, since I changed my major to Business Administration, I had the opportunity to attend Freshers' Week again, this time with fewer Corona restrictions as most students are vaccinated. Freshers' week is dedicated to meeting people and exploring the city, it mainly consists of parties and casual events.

Getting to know lots of new people in one week was an unfamiliar setting for me. Apparently, it's not like riding a bike, you can indeed forget how to do it. Looking back, I can't assess my behavior at the time, only how strange and awkward I felt, while interacting with people for the first time, whether it's a conversation about where they're from or why they chose their major, always felt odd; it doesn't come naturally to me how I should behave in those situations. I've always struggled when getting to know new people simply because I don't enjoy superficial exchanges. Needless to say, those are the only conversations you have with someone you've just met.

The reason I don't appreciate talking about shallow topics is that I can't be myself. Although I'm not particularly shy, it's tiring not to be able to discuss the matters that interest me as well as constantly struggling to find a new topic of conversation, regardless of whether you're genuinely interested in it. Truthfully, it seems as if I'm only talking to avoid the deafening silence that occurs between people who don't know each other that well.

There's a girl in my group, and while we were at an event yesterday, I kept suggesting that we leave, but even though she was visibly bored half the time, she didn't want to leave and even ended up staying after I left. I admire that because she isn't easily discouraged by a moment of silence or awkwardness, she knows those moments will pass and amusing moments will follow.

To me, finding interest in other people is difficult. As I was talking to people at these events, I noticed that I didn't care where they were from or why they chose that particular major, notably, I didn't feel that this interaction would hold any significance in the future, knowing that I wouldn't become close friends with the vast majority of these people.

By no means is that meant to be condescending, everyone was friendly and I had a good time, but I didn't feel as though I connected with most of them. Talking to someone you feel a bond with is entirely different than chatting with someone you don't feel a bond with. Speaking to people you feel an instant connection to feels easy, it's not mentally draining, and you could imagine doing it indefinitely. Even conversations about superficial matters lead to more engaging issues and you begin to open up.

Quite the opposite is the case after meeting someone you don't feel any bond with. It always leaves you, or at least me, with a feeling that can perhaps best be described as a disappointment. Disappointed because every time I encounter somebody new, I anticipate a connection right away, but when that's not the case, it leaves me feeling gutted. Thus, making it pointless to stay at these gatherings.

Nevertheless, I forced myself to stay as long as I could. Until everything I had to say was said and I met a handful of new people. By the time I got back home, I felt proud of myself for having learned a valuable lesson.

Here's what I learned

Stepping out of your comfort zone is never easy, and you will feel a lot of resistance. Every fiber of your body will try to return to the comfort of your old environment, but that's what you must escape from to grow.

Granted, admitting that I had to force myself to stay at a social event may sound strange at first, but that's precisely what happened: I had to force myself to remain in that setting precisely because it was out of my comfort zone. I will continue to do so.

After all, it's just a matter of practice: the more I go out and meet new people, the easier it will become. Even if the first 100 times may feel awkward, disappointing, and strange, I have to push through it. Only then will I be able to grow and expand my horizons.

My 20th Birthday

A couple of weeks ago, I turned 20 years old. Unfortunately, I was not able to celebrate my birthday at home with my friends and family as I had to make preparations for university in a different city.

As my birthday approached, I decided not to spend the day at home, but to take a trip to a neighboring city. Conveniently, Amsterdam is only two hours away from my apartment, so I looked for museums and other activities to do in Amsterdam, but couldn't quite commit to the trip. I knew my parents would suggest that I should return home rather than go to another city, but for some reason, I was drawn to the idea of traveling alone for the first time.

I have never traveled alone before mainly because I found it hard to imagine traveling alone, dining alone, or doing all sorts of activities all by myself. Nevertheless, I realized that I have never been able to fully enjoy a trip as I tend to have a rather particular idea of what a holiday should be like. I am very fond of museums and taking photos, shopping for hours, and exploring the city during a lengthy walk. It is possible to do these things with a friend or a parent, but these activities feel entirely different when you are alone with your thoughts. You have the freedom to rediscover yourself in this strange city where no one even knows your name.

Despite it being the morning of my birthday, I had still not abandoned the idea of going to Amsterdam, but I found myself hesitating. I took my time getting ready, and by the time I finally decided to make a reservation for the museum I wanted to go to (Moco Museum Amsterdam), it was already past 2 pm. I didn't let that discourage me. I was determined to celebrate my birthday especially.

On every previous birthday, I had high expectations of others to make my birthday memorable, and if they didn't live up to those expectations, I would feel a sense of disappointment. I am honestly embarrassed to admit this. However, I have always considered birthdays as the ending of a chapter, of course, I preferred it when a chapter concludes with something special. This time, it was up to me to figure out how I wanted to spend the day.

I choose a great adventure.

To be honest, it was the first time that I consciously chose happiness and joy rather than indulging in my sadness. I took the initiative and went on a trip without telling anyone. Even while I was there, I received calls from friends and relatives congratulating me and wondering how I had spent my day, and I simply told them I went out.

I had a blast at the museum and it was the brightest day in Amsterdam, the sun was shining, people were sunbathing in the park near the museum reading books, talking, listening to music surrounded by museums and libraries. Plus, there was a shopping district very close by. I arrived quite late, and by the time I left the museum, the shops had already closed. I strolled around the city until my phone died and I had to figure out the way back to my car.

As I drove back, I realized that I hadn't given any thought to who hadn't congratulated me, who was missing, and how I expected to spend the day, because I felt I didn't need anyone to make me feel content at that moment. I was so immersed in all these novel things as well as the rush of doing something I had never done before to the point that I didn't have time to feel lonely, sad, or disappointed - all the feelings I knew too well.

All this taught me a powerful lesson that I imagine the vast majority of people who are content in life have already grasped.

Here’s what I've learned

At the end of the day, you don't need anyone to make your life worth living. That there's no point in waiting for happiness, adventure, and joy to come to you because they won't until you take the initiative yourself. If you want to have a memorable day, go out and make it a memorable day yourself. You alone are responsible for your happiness.

Up to this day, no one knows that I spent my birthday in Amsterdam.

Decisions that need to be made

At a very young age, we are asked what we want to be when we grow up. For a long time, I tried to remember my answer to this question and even asked my mother if she could remember. She couldn't remember either, which I thought was a disaster at the time.

So I had to figure out the answer in my adolescent years, frantically trying to remember what my three-year-old self wanted to be.

And why? Because it makes life easier.

If you determine at a young age what path you want to pursue, you put everything in your life into achieving that goal. This saves you from constantly having to deal with the future, especially deciding on a certain direction. Something that no longer appeals to me as I continue to become more independent.

Growing up as quickly as possible is probably the wish of many children. Meanwhile, adults caution us against this desire, but without making it clear why. If you ask them why they wouldn't recommend growing up too quickly, they always cite the most trivial things they can think of, such as missing school or not being able to see your friends every day, although they know very well that these are the most bearable things about adulthood.

The insight I would have liked to have is that, as an adult, I have to start making my own decisions, not about small, insignificant things like what to eat every day, which can also be quite a challenge if you are not a very good cook yourself, but that you have to start deciding about things that are extremely important at that time, such as what to study at university or where to live, whether the person you are attracted to will be the right partner for you and so on. Since I started making all these decisions for myself, there have been numerous times where I wished someone would just make a decision for me. Either to blame someone else should I not be satisfied with the outcome, or because I realized I had to figure out who I was as a person and who I wanted to become. I felt, that only someone with an external point of view could make an objective decision about who I was and who I wanted to become. I was too biased and sentimental to make such a long-term decision.

Therefore, I pretended to make a decision by myself while doing exactly what I was told to do by people who I believed knew me better than I knew myself, and (to no surprise) I regretted it shortly after. What I regretted most was that I failed to listen to myself. That I thought I didn't have to make such a decision with my own feelings in mind, that I thought such a decision had to be objective. Of course, I had no way of knowing that, and now I could certainly blame all the adults in my life for not teaching me that, yet I am grateful for having learned a lesson that I could never have learned if I had not experienced it myself.

Here's what I learned

When you make a decision for yourself, there is no right or wrong as long as you are that one person making the decision. Every path you choose has something valuable for you in the end. Even if it turns out not to be the most appropriate course, after all, there was something in you that wanted you to learn that lesson, hence making it the right path, even if you change direction later on. At the very least, you can consider it as growth.

Although I still have difficulty making decisions, I have begun to accept the discomfort, for every decision I make nowadays, no matter how small or big, it brings me joy, because every single choice allows me to get to know myself a little better and brings me closer to the person I hope to become.