“Love yourself first”

“Learn to love yourself first before you fall in love with someone else.”

I've heard this phrase several times, but I didn't grasp the true meaning of it until now. Particularly why it has been emphasised that this is critical before you start a relationship.

You keep thinking about them and you can't stop glancing your phone, waiting for them to text or call you. You are disappointed once you're apart, because you would love to spend every second of your day with them.

If you can relate to this kind of behaviour towards someone you are seeing, it is not a sign of being in love, nor is it something that is common at the beginning of a relationship, but it is a great indicator that you are lacking something in your own life. The new partner has brought excitement into your life, you finally feel exhilarated again. You don't want to be apart from them, because then you might lose that feeling. So far you have not felt this happiness within yourself, so you are looking for these feelings externally. Doing so is extremely dangerous because your mood becomes dependent on that person.

When we are advised to love ourselves first, people often neglect to explain why that is significant. When we first start dating, the beginning is usually filled with joy and excitement. Naturally, a lot of people cherish this excitement and want to spend more time with their potential partner. However, those who have been unhappy in their lives run the risk of trading the excitement and joy that a new partnership brings for losing themselves in it. They begin to schedule their entire life around this relationship and disregard their own priorities. It is crucial that your life is equally fulfilling with and without a partner. Your new partner should not even be able to take control of your mind and therefore your life because you have built a life that brings you pleasure and fulfilment. Your partner should not be the sole reason for your happiness, but rather contribute to it. And if that is not the case, you should consider this a great warning sign and take appropriate steps to learn to love your life and yourself.

Only when we have begun to truly love ourselves can we build meaningful relationships, because then we have established a standard by which we want to be loved. For we know what we deserve. Moreover, we realise that we would rather be alone than in bad company. The only constant is your own company. Ensure that you thoroughly enjoy that company, and if you haven't yet figured out how to do that, it's about time you start. The relationship you have with yourself is the most important relationship in your life - don't neglect to nurture it.

“Ground rules”

It's getting cold outside, which means the season of couples has begun. During this season, love is often talked about even in my circle of friends, everyone is dating or longing for someone with whom they can save some heating costs. Therefore, I thought it would be appropriate to draw up a list of principles that I would like to call the “ ground rules for love”.

1. Do not set the bar too low.

Someone will only jump as high as you set the bar for them. If you set the bar too low, you may end up understating the framework of the relationship you are trying to build. You will be disappointed and end up wishing for more. In building a relationship, you are simultaneously building a manner of interaction. Therefore, how someone treats you should always be set very high.

2. Figure out ways you feel most loved, then find the person who can give that to you.

When looking for a relationship, we are constantly looking for someone who makes us feel loved and cared for. However, we all have different love languages that we use to express our affection for someone.

There are "physical touch", “gift giving”, “spending time” and “acts of service”. It is of significance that you figure out what kind of love language makes you feel cherished and how you express love.

3. Look at the situation from a distance.

On paper, someone may seem great, but when you look at the situation from an external point of view, you get a new perspective on the situation. I would recommend, taking a step back and imagining what you would advise a friend in this situation.

Furthermore, this can also be applied when you begin to overthink matters as you start to analyse every little detail realise that you are blowing things out of proportion.

4. Communication is key.

One thing I learned the hard way is that you can't build a relationship with someone without proper communication. You have to be honest and straightforward with your partner, especially if you want to establish a long-term relationship. You are going to have arguments and disagreements, but you will only prosper if you communicate honestly and effectively.

5. If someone is looking for an easy way out, let them go.

Maintaining a healthy relationship will be difficult because nothing worthwhile comes easy. If someone is constantly making excuses and making every little flaw in your relationship a huge issue that you can't get over. Recognise that this person is not willing to fight for your relationship, that they are just looking for an excuse to leave. The relationship is destined to collapse because one of you isn't willing to fight. They will leave, so better sooner than later.

6. Be secure in yourself.

The biggest mistake you can make is looking for validation externally. No one should be able to affect your self-worth. You shouldn't feel any more desirable just because you're in a relationship, and you should never feel less worthy if you don't have one. Be confident in who you are, have your own aspirations and achievements.

7. It is more than "love".

Love can be interpreted in an infinite number of ways, but I have seen countless relationships fail even though they both were in love. However, it is simply not enough to be in love. It's about perseverance, knowing that you are building something greater and that a relationship can sustain losses and should not be taken for granted.

8. Prefer to be alone than to ask for the bare minimum.

If someone wanted to, they would. You don't have to ask for anything because if the person wanted to spend time with you, wanted to get to know you or wanted the relationship to work, they would have done the best they could to make that happen. We as humans are very stubborn when it comes to what we genuinely want in life. Thus, if someone is not even doing the bare minimum for the relationship, stop wasting your energy and time.

9. Understand that the honeymoon will be over.

The high of the first three to four months will pass and you will get accustomed to dating. Your partner will see you for who you really are and you will see them for who they really are. That is wonderful, because then you can be assured that you are being loved for who you truly are.

10 .You will find the right one.

It should go without saying, but I say it for all those who are deep down terrified that they will never find the person they are looking for. For all those who think they should settle for the next best one, because at least that's better than being alone. It isn't. You're pouring your energy and your heart into building something that won't last. Deep down, you'll feel it when you've met the right one because you'll stop wishing for more.

All these are fairly light hearted, yet we tend to forget some of the above as soon as we fall in love simply because love clouds our logical thinking, I hope this can put things into perspective in the hope that the heart breaks will be minimised during the spring season.

Optimistic hope

When you allow yourself to feel vulnerable at last, and for the first time you're genuinely happy. You begin to trust and wake up every morning with a sense of bliss. But there's this persistent anxiety about losing that peace of mind. Now that you've seen how great the other side is, you can't imagine going back.

I was used to not feeling excited, I was used to being alone, I was used to not missing anyone so intensely. However, things have changed, and now I no longer appreciate the things I used to do. That high is so grand, but the fall is way worse. To think I convinced myself that it was worth it. That life is made up of ups and downs.

And now there's a void that was once filled with love and excitement. So what now? How long will it take for me to be my old self again? How long will it take for the longing to stop? And more importantly, will I do it again? Will I sacrifice my tedious peace and quiet for a little excitement and short-term love, only to suffer twice as much afterwards when I try to return to that tedious peace and quiet? Is it worth it?

As I am living through the pain at this moment, it is quite difficult to say that it is indeed worth it. The love and delight felt like a fleeting moment, while the recovery phase feels like an endless dark tunnel with no light at the end. Perhaps I should be pursuing something that brings me joy and love with no fear of losing it. Then again, perhaps the fear of losing something is what makes it all so much better.

Look, I know what you're thinking: I don't need anyone to be truly happy, I should be perfectly content all by myself. I agree with that, but that's not the happiness I was describing. I'm describing the sort of happiness we feel when we fall in love for the first time. It brings hope that makes us truly believe that the pain afterwards is nothing in comparison to the happiness. A simple feeling that makes even the darkest days shine brightly. You start to feel at ease.

Then, when it's gone, you feel as though something is missing. You go back to your normal routine, but nothing feels normal anymore.

Here’s what I’ve learned

Without even realizing it, you will slowly readjust to your life. You will regain your enthusiasm and stop comparing every feeling to the excitement you felt during that time. You will fill that void with something else.

The worst part is that you will have to do this several times in your life. You must. Because at the end of the day, we are quite simple creatures, we want nothing but love. You see, I'm aware that love is different for everyone, and for the longest time I thought I knew what that word meant, completely unaware that the sentiment can't be described. Love cannot be defined, as anyone who has ever felt it knows. That the mere description of this feeling does not even begin to capture it. That feeling is addictive, even if it hurts us in the end, we continue to seek it. We delude ourselves that this time it will be different or that the love will be worth it. And even in my current pain, I find that optimistic hope to be quite magnificent. After all, I know I'll keep seeking love and that I'll be in this pain again, willingly.